


Things I Can't Have

by Phenomawhat



Series: The Sexy Get Along T-Shirt [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst and Humor, Banter, Emotional Constipation, M/M, also:, crit failing rolls on emotional perception, everybody is a disaster, unless you are either of the long suffering chimera dads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-05-20 10:44:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14893139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phenomawhat/pseuds/Phenomawhat
Summary: Q: What do you get when you get a ‘well this is happening now’ relationship with our favourite two-in-one package deal and salty alchemist?  A: A train-wreck.  Procrastination runs amok as our heroes avoid thinking about how dicey this body sharing thing is getting, and instead we get the kind of dumbassery that only 10 pounds of steaming hot denial can fuel.  Up to and Post-Promised day





	1. There's Sex In It

“I don’t see how that has anything to do with it.” Ed grumbled. He was a blob among men, roundly sitting up in his sleeping bag. He also had a glare on his face just for Ling, who was sitting across from him looking way too hopeful.

“It’s all a part of the method, trust me,” Ling reassured him with a wave of his hand. “Best results or your money back.”

The feeling of being scammed intensified in Ed’s gut. “I ain’t paying for shit,” he groused.  

“It’s only in your undying love and affection,” Ling chirped back.

Ed recoiled. “Ok, _barf._ You come into _my_ house with that!”

Ling scooted closer. “Just relax, and trust me, you’ll like it.”

He got some serious side-eye for that.

“Also, we’re in a tent. Our tent.”

Ed looked at him a bit more. Then finally, it all came out, the crux of his woes, the epoch of his feelings flooded out. “But it’s coooold,” he whined.

Ling sagely nodded. (This counted as a therapeutic high for Edward Elric). “Don’t worry about it, I’ll make sure you aren’t cold.”

Ed was getting excitable. “You realize that the more you say that, the less I believe you, right?”

Ling sighed. He watched as Ed burrowed deeper into his sleeping bag, seeming to will himself to become one with the fabric. It was readily apparent Ling was getting nowhere. That being said, he was not defeated yet. Ling noticed Ed looking at his sleeping bag with a hungry expression.

So Ling gave it to him. Quickly, and without warning, he yanked it from underneath himself and flung it at Ed’s head. Ed, who shrieked and went backwards under the new cover. He cursed some more while Ling surged in, quickly ducking under the blanket and enclosing himself in darkness on top of Ed.

The alchemist struggled, but eventually calmed. Rock solid inference lead Ling to believe that Ed was glaring at him. Also that he was possibly regretting the lack of limbs that his roundness afforded him. “What’re you doing.” Ed grumbled at him.

Ling grinned despite the darkness, and leaned down. His hand snaked to Ed’s zipper—which immediately set off an Alert Priority 1 as Ed yelled, “Hey now!”

Ling responded by bringing his other hand to place a finger on Ed’s lips. “Haven’t you ever heard of body heat?” he said into Ed’s ear.

This froze the teen, as his disgruntled stuttering slowly became stuttering of a different sort. Ling had time to keep up fumbling with the zipper, and eventually glided it down with one smooth motion.

All the way down, past his own hips. After which, he took the liberty of reaching a leg over Ed’s body and wedging it, followed by his next leg, into the open sleeping bag. Then Ling was straddling and life was a little better.

He cleared his throat, pleased.

“Uh, ok.” Ed just said.

Ling deflated slightly. “Try not to kill the mood there. Now strip.”

That caused a bark of laughter from Ed. “You sure get to the point, but I don’t think you thought this one through.”

“Oh?” Ling replied, he put a finger to his lip. “Maybe I just wanted to tell you that.” With that, Ling traced a line down Ed’s chest.

This caused a sharp inhalation from Ed.

“I guess I could help,” Ling continued. Then, nice and slow, he raised himself up ever so slightly and with Ed’s help, first was his shirt. Second was the pants, that Ed wiggled out of. Then the boxers.

All while not touching any more than necessary. Which by this time, Ed had noticed. He laid back, audibly breathing just that much heavier, silently willing Ling to come down again. He was on the edge of yanking Ling down himself. No dice though.

Because then, swiftly and suddenly, Ling flipped Ed over. He went with a noise of protest as Ling re-straddled.

Ling just smiled as he commenced the backrub.

It was suspiciously innocent. Ed was lucidly aware of this fact, but then Ling’s hands kicked in properly and that thought turned into something like a monotone buzzer in his head. The combination of hand on his shoulders slowly moving down the midline of his spine, occasionally reaching back, reaching down, digging in. Ed felt this to the exclusion of all else.

His thoughts trailed off.

Ling smiled. Ed had gone limp, he felt a slight bit of regret on that count. But it was also kind of late.

That being said, while Ling might have been done, Greed, who had been vaguely hanging around in the back of their head, finally came up to complain. _What gives?_ He asked.

Ling shrugged his shoulders, gently removing himself off of Ed. _It beats me why time moves linearly. Seems kind of arbitrary._

Greed narrowed his eyes. _You know what I mean._

_But isn’t he so cute when he sleeps?_ Ling replied instead.

Greed groaned. _Why the fuck are so laaame. We were just getting started! Wasn’t that the point of taking off all that clothing?_

Ling made an indeterminate grunt. _Well yeah, but you know, then he looked so sleepy and now he’s curled up in a little ball…_

_You stop that._ Greed barked back. _You stop that right now. I’m not getting infected with this bullshit._

To this Ling smiled. His voice went high and spooky. _Oh but you already aaare! I don’t see you in a big rush to wake him up either._

_Piss off,_ was Greed’s succinct reply.

\---

Ling did not stray far in the night. This became apparent to Ed in the morning when he woke up, shrouded in complete darkness with a Thing attached to him. A jet of mild terror lightly blasted though his sleep boggled mind at that, because it was warm and clingy and possibly trying to suck the life out of him through his pores and also Ling.

It occurred to him that none of his judgments were inconsistent with each other.

With that, an only partially suppressed jet of affection shot through him. He realized how ok he was with this situation, more than ok, as a matter of fact. He looked down and wondered what had happened. It seemed as though it was entirely for free, as well, which was more than a little suspicious.

With mirth, Ed noted that he could get a lot more mileage off of this situation if he could see any of it. So with that, he chucked the blanket off of them and reveled in the blast of sunlight that hit them.

Ling immediately recoiled and without totally waking up started clawing for the blanket again. Ed smirked. Ling reached, unable to find it. He pawed at air with his eyes closed for a few more swipes before wearily opening his eyes to look back up at Ed.

“What the hell,” he groaned. “Good morning fucking Vietnam, I guess.”

Ed, who was smiling softly, paused. “Uh, what?”

“Never mind,” Greed replied. “You and your stupid golden sunlight and hair are ruining my morning.”

Ed repositioned, cocking his head to the side. “Huh, I thought you didn’t need me to ruin those for you.”

“Oh yeah.” Greed drawled, “well you’re doin’ it anyway. So be a pal and fetch me some darkness.”

Ed shifted—which Greed nearly grabbed at him to prevent—“Ooh, edgy.” Ed cooed in return. “You’re playing the creature of the night card, very original.”

“I get all my ideas from the edgiest person I know. Tell me, why doesn’t your belt buckle have a skull on it?”

Ed was about to shoot back a reply to that, but then a wave of honest contemplation washed over his face. He thought, very loudly: why the hell _didn’t_ it? He stared at his pants in the corner for a couple of seconds. Gears turned in his head.

Meanwhile Greed finally gave up the ghost of going back to sleep and stretched his arms above his head. Joints popped. Ed noticed him move with a light amount of indignation, but kept still. Greed sat up to watch him properly. He smiled.

Then in a fairly self indulgent move he shifted closer, fully intending to drape himself over Edward. This was foiled, however, by Ed reaching away to grab his pants, which gave Greed a full face of butt. Normally, this wasn’t something that Greed minded, but it made for a clunky situation as he aborted his mission by swinging his momentum back up.

Ed sat back up. Greed nearly got to continue where he left off, but then Edward was clapping his hands together and Greed scuttled back, shouting:

“Not here you damn alchemist!” This was over the bright light. As it ended, Greed put his arm down, and what remained was no small amount of pride on Ed’s face. He was grinning and Greed was only mildly annoyed on the whole for it.

This was the part, naturally, that Ed finally realized his current state of undress. That is, when Greed repositioned and flopped on Ed with much more success. The light-bulb appeared to come on as Greed was casually tackling Ed from the side and pinning him to the sleeping bag.

Half-hearted alarm bells were going off in Ed’s head. Greed was trying to underplay it as much as possible as he flopped on top of Ed. He burrowed his head in Ed’s shoulder, and stretched a little bit.

Then he propped up. “Now where were we?” He asked, looking down at an increasingly flustering Ed.

Who still gave him an unimpressed look. “The part where you got the hell off of me?”

“Well that’s no fun!” Greed came an iota closer, right up beside Ed’s neck. He hovered for a second, and then swooped closer, burrowing his head into neck. He just breathed there for a couple of seconds.

Ed felt somewhat incredulous. But not terribly mad. Sometime along the line his scream reflex had been implausibly dulled by these kinds of things. Specifically by Ling, who was more than a little bit of a clingy bastard and always found an excuse to freaking touch him.

Ling was light and cheerful and hands on and took every opportunity to brush closer than necessary, to grab Ed’s hands when they were within reach, to play with his hair the one (1) opportunity that he somehow got. He was possibly the least shy person that Ed had ever met, and yet somehow he got bolder.

Over time his orbit around Ed got closer, gentle brushes turned into hugs. It would be a grab from behind, from the side, from any side, really. Ed would be walking and sometimes he could feel the open space around him, something like a deer in a field and he would wonder when Ling was coming next. Often that was his gut pre-empting the next strike, and so it wouldn’t be a surprise when Ling popped out of the woodwork soon thereafter. A lot of the time Ed would get mad, of course. But not that mad.

Greed was different. He took longer to cover the same distance, and when he did it was typically Super Black Ultra Priority that he was as casual as possible about it. He didn’t tackle Ed with the same frightening frequency, but it would sometimes be the case that he was suddenly two feet away, and trying to play it off as no big thing that he was brushing up against Ed.

When he did it was for longer than necessary. The other thing was that it wasn’t always a part of an active seduction attempt.

Case in point was Greed propped up on Ed’s chest, looking like the cat who got the cream. His happiness about not being violently kicked off seemed to be balanced by whether or not he should be worried that this was because he had broken Ed.

The latter seemed to win out. “I know I’m devastatingly handsome, but you’re going to break something if you keep staring at me like that.”

Ed blinked. “Yeah, sure. You give yourself too much credit.” Just like that, he was back in his body. Back to Greed leaning over him, sprawled. Back to him being a damn hypocrite. To which Ed commented: “And come on, you stare way more than I do.”

Greed smiled wide, “It’s because I’m romantic. I love a good gazing.”

Ed gave him a weary look. “Gimmie a break. Next you’re going to tell me that it’s about my eyes, and how you can’t stop looking at them.”

Greed paused. Then he glanced sideways.

Ed reeled. “ _God_ you’re just as bad as Ling. What the hell happened?”

Greed made an indeterminate noise. “I could make a sex joke if that’ll make you feel better.”

“Marginally.” Ed said, slowly. “What do you have?”

Greed thought for a second. His head wasn’t in it though. When he leaned closer he got a face full of Ed and instead of getting pumped up with the light adrenaline of trading barbs, he relaxed and leaned in.

Then, realizing that Ed was still waiting for him, he said: “Uh, penis. Whatever.”

Ed groaned. He flopped in place. Greed came in closer, wrapping his arms completely around Ed’s back and firmly cementing himself in place. It occurred to Ed that he was probably going to be stuck like this for a while.

“You’re being a good darkness. It’s too early to be functioning anyway.” Greed mumbled.  

The thing was that when Greed did cross the distance, his hugs were longer and deeper. When he was finally capable of relaxing he never wanted to let go. There was just a thrumming satisfaction to him.

Ed sighed and leaned back. He could literally hear Donkey Kong and Lion King outside, so too early, his ass. Although he held back the comment. It was about the way that the sunlight was bouncing off the tent currently, the way it filtered in soft light. There was also rustling outside, but it was subtle enough to fade into the background with the birds.

Ever so gradually, he found himself agreeing with Greed’s sentiment.

\---

By the afternoon, however, it didn’t take long for Greed to snap out of whatever had come over him. There was a moment in the liminal time before either of them decided to get up when he again propped up to look back at Ed again.

Ed was sleeping, thank you very much, and didn’t appreciate the movement. He caught a glimpse though, of the _What in the Everlasting Fuck_ look that Greed had on his face.

That got his attention, so decided to not immediately reveal his wakefulness – instead he watched the ensuing face journey. It went from this blanket confusion and _How the Fuck did This Happen?_ then softened to _Well ok, this is Pretty Great,_ wherein the confusion appeared to be directed inwards in a kind of _Well why the heck am I reacting this way._

Then a sudden smugness. Ed realized the shift in demeanor likely meant Ling had taken in the reigns with an expression of _Oh Sweet Summer Child._

This was overshadowed by exasperation, which was Greed again. He had murder in his eyes this time. Ed was fairly sure some pointed words were being exchanged.

This thought overpowered his scientific curiousity, he let out a little laugh. This caught the attention of the homunculus, probably specifically Greed who immediately looked self-conscious. Suspiciously, he gave Ed a poke to the cheek.

Ed giggled and flipped. He made an act of stretching his arms above his head, smacking his lips together, trying to look groggy as he finally looked up at Greed.

Who absolutely did not buy it.

Never mind that, Ed reached up with his hand and said: “Hey, what’re you worrying about?”

The hand stopped Greed in his tracks. Ed could practically see him circling his metaphorical wagons in preparation for a flippant response, but instead Greed faltered as he reached his own hand up to Ed’s. In this sense, his grumble of “Nothin,” was a touch half-hearted.

Ed narrowed his eyes. Without really thinking about it, suddenly he was moving, reeling in his hand and bringing Greed down with it. Greed came, looking surprised, as Ed kissed him.

His eyes popped. Ed held one second, two. Then released.

“What was that for?” Greed asked.

“For being an idiot.”

That got Greed to smile. “Who’s being the sappy fuck now?”

“I know it and I hate it.” Ed replied cheerfully.

Greed hummed. “I don’t know, you can keep this up if you want.” He leaned closer, effectively filling the gap between them.

Ed sighed. “I think I may actually die. But you do have a point.”

Pause. “And what would that be?”

“This one,” Ed breathed. He grabbed Greed for a deeper kiss. This one Greed rolled with, as surprise turned to delight. He expressed this with his lips as well as his teeth, which gave light pressure. As he did this, his tongue explored, something like crackling fire.

Ed released from the kiss, which made Greed give him a cheated look. “I think I’ve hit my limit for sappiness today,” Ed said.

Greed narrowed his eyes, “Well I—“ but then he conspicuously paused, which gave Ed reason to believe he was under fire from Ling.

Ed grinned at that. “Well what? Do you want to keep going?”

That caused a flash in Greed’s eyes. This was when he truly put the moves on, he leaned in nice and close. Slowly he said: “Obviously.” In addition, with that his hands roamed south.

Ed, however, had gotten a taste of blood. “And why’s that?”

Greed didn’t let that dissuade him. He got closer, somehow, and his hand got a mitt-full of ass. “Because I want you,” He said, nice and low.

With only half an inch of clearance and increasingly steamy conditions Ed was feeling the heat, but somehow remaining 2 years old, he repeated again, “And why’s that?”

Greed looked tested for a moment. But then a look of surprising lucidity came over his face, his grip on Ed’s butt gained more fervor. “Because, well…”

Ed just looked expectantly like a little shit.

Greed considered this for a moment, then growled: “Because some questions don’t have answers!”

Ed dragged him closer. “You’re copping.”

“And you’re being difficult,” Greed launched back, only pouting a little bit. Ed kissed him again, and Greed leaned into it.

Then Greed sighed, “Now are we done?”

Ed nodded. “Yup. There is a small amount of puke in my mouth now.”

Greed raised an eyebrow. Ed elaborated: “Worth it though.”

They settled. It had to be close to 3 p.m. at that point, and the question occurred to Ed of why the chimeras hadn’t busted down the tent by now. He knew they were more than a little nervous about walking in on stuff, but even they had their limits.

This was why Ed disagreed when Greed took that moment to snuggle closer to Ed and whine, “All this bullshit had gone and tired me out again. It’s fuckin nap time.”

Ed was about to retort, but then Greed slightly stiffened on him. Instead he watched the homunculus pop back up and flip a peace sign on his chest. He said: “Time for me to be the responsible one then.”

Ed clicked his tongue. “Right. You know, I don’t say this often, but can we get an adult in here?”

Ling was aghast. Ed, however, took it and ran with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aha, so I've been kicking myself in the butt about this one. It's gonna get done, and I'm a roughly weekly updater so stay tuned! Also, go read the first one if you haven't! It's cute...
> 
> Also, sorry for renaming the series for like, the third time. I think I'm done now.


	2. Fluff? In My Edling??

On the horizon Ed could smell the plague of serenity and wholesomeness before he could see it. Quiet mornings, he thought, light touches and soulful gazing, being the subject of adoration. It hit him at once that this was happening to him now, and he shuttered.

He was not having this. Ed had gotten into the swing of pushing it far from his mind by the afternoon of the next day. He found distraction in the form of a small lake just outside of camp, along with Ling – who was easily the worst offender, but also the only one he really wanted to spend time with?? (His emotions were confused.)

Ling, who looked way too relaxed, almost like all he wanted to do was sit back on the beach until they could watch the sunset together and oh fuck.

Ed began to internally scream.

He abruptly picked up their meandering pace through the woods, and just before that tacky reveal where they were going to open the trees and gasp at the beautiful view Ed jumped in front of Ling and practically yelled: “We need to go swimming!”

Ling paused. “Uh, ok?” he said. Then he awkwardly reached behind Ed to move a tree out of the way. He moved on to the beach, cue reveal.

They step out. Then Ling was backtracking, saying: “Huh, you know I thought we could just sit and…”

“NOPE!” Ed cut him off. “It’s water time, get in the water.” And with that he grabbed Ling’s hand and tugged him along.

“Hah, hah, ok??” Ling said, laughing awkwardly. Ed got them to the shore, where he fervently began stripping. This made Ling raise an eyebrow. “I take back those question marks.” He said.

That finally made Ed smile. “Good,” he replied.

With that, Ling too divested himself of his clothing and they both ran like hell into the lake. That is, with the naïve hope that this would somehow be warmer than being outside in the wind. Of course, it only took them being about ankle deep in the water to realize that this was probably Not the Case. But because it was likely too late to turn back, this just made their running more frantic because surely the water would be warmer when they were dunked all the way. Right?

They got to chest height and Ling had Regrets. His eyes were wide and their run had devolved into a trudge. Ed stoically stayed the course beside him, and fielded the somewhat wild look that Ling was sending him.

Ed buckled down. “It’ll be easier when we get _under_ the water,” he said, trying to keep his teeth from chattering.

“You say that now?” Ling frantically replied.

“Well, yeah.” Ed sighed. “So I guess I’ll go first?” He sucked in air – which placated his nerves and oxygen supply both, then plunged himself underneath.

In a word, it was rude.

One second, two seconds, then he came back up. He met his reluctant companion with a flourish of splashing.

Wide grin. “Easy,” he said.

Ling was incredibly unconvinced.

Ed’s grin spread into a scary smile. “I can help you along if you want.”

Calmly, Ling replied: “I may actually have to kill you if you do that.” Ed noted that his nerves seemed to have found a cause worth fighting for.

To which Ed smiled. “Huh, so we’re doing it that way.”

Ling’s eyes narrowed. “Yes we are, because I’m no—“ he was interrupted by a splash of water hitting his face. Ling gasped, stunned for a second. “You,” he breathed.

Ed cackled. “You talk too much.”

“I’ll show you…” with that, Ling launched a volley of water back at Ed. It nailed him head on. In return, Ed laughed off the shot and sent one right back. At the same time, however, he was closing the distance between himself and Ling.

Ling realized this at the last moment, and abortively tried to flee. Ed, however, caught him and flump himself on top. He used the momentum to drag them both down. Ling screeched all the way into the water.

Underneath, Ed let go. Ling shot up almost immediately and cursed loud enough that Ed could still hear him from under the water. He smiled, and slowly bobbed to the surface.

The expression on Ling’s face was fiery. Ed found himself enjoying it immensely. Laughing, he said, “Nice, right?”

Ling was breathing quite heavily. He had mustered both pain and trauma into his wet, dripping face. He didn’t need to answer.

Ed clapped a hand on his back. “Feeling warmer yet?” he asked cheerfully.

“Not at all,” Ling replied.

“Yeah, me neither. Lets get back to shore.” With that, Ed clicked his tongue and turned tail. He made the mistake, however, of turning his back on Ling.

Ed belatedly realized the stewing vindictiveness when he heard Ling say something nasty sounding in Xingese while he was still catching his breath.

Ed got in half a breath, which he used to say “What?” which was in retrospect a pretty dumb move because it ate away his reaction time that Ling used to tackle him and fling him into the water again. He didn’t let go underneath, either, instead wrapped himself around Ed and reveled in the light pain and suffering.

They surfaced. Ed with a grimace, and Ling looking much more cheerful.

He smiled. “All better.”

Ed coughed. He felt a yelling spell bubbling up inside of him, but he could also appreciate justice where he saw it. So he just smiled tightly and said, “Good.”

This was when Ling again moved closer, which made Ed quite suspicious. But this time, however, he used the proximity to scoop up Ed’s hand. “It’s just, you’re so beautiful right now,” he said.

Ed felt his fight or flight response activate. Ling’s eyes were soulful, watching him with a mixture of wonderment and bright amusement. He clutched Ed’s hand, bringing it up to his own chest. All the while he had this stupid boundless smile on his face.

Ed responded by dunking him under the water again. This caused a fresh round of screaming from Ling. Additionally, once he was up, the game was on again. Ling didn’t waste time splashing Ed in the face this time, and he found that Ed was fresh out of mercy as well.

They didn’t get out of the water for longer than they probably should have.

\---

Justifiably, the chimeras were unimpressed with their decision making skills when the teens dripped back to camp about two shivers away from hypothermia. It was bad enough that Heinkel didn’t even yell at them, he just sighed and got a blanket for them to cuddle in against the growing fire.

Ed and Ling stayed on the log for a while. During this time, Ed was at a complete loss. He was frozen in more ways than one against Ling’s side, as he suspected that he would be physically incapable of moving if he left the blanket cocoon. That it, away from Ling, who was in the opposite of a hurry, and wasn’t going to leave Ed even if the alchemist wanted him to.

The thought and his partner stuck to Ed. Ling wasn’t saying anything but everything that wasn’t his mouth was screaming that there was no place he’d rather be but freezing in the middle of the woods with Ed. And full stop right there – because didn’t that unearth just how much Ed needed him to stay as well.

He felt as though he’d won that battle. Greed didn’t appear to want to go anywhere as well, and by all accounts he appeared surprisingly invested. But what were the consequences of that? Ed really had to sit himself down and think about what he’d done.

Ling must have felt this rumination somehow, and he took that moment in particular to grab Ed a little tighter. He looked up for a second, and then seeing the virulent scowl likely on Ed’s face numbers added up in his head, and he commented: “You look like you’re over thinking things.”

Ed scoffed. “Who me? Never.”

“Suure.” Ling said. He adjusted upwards, liberally using Ed’s thigh as a booster. “Wake me when the angst builds up enough that you want to talk about it.”

Ed chuckled at that. Ling didn’t fall asleep though, he just settled in. He knew better than to pry, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to sit there and wait for it.

And if that didn’t make Ed’s heart do a little flip. But things weren’t that simple, were they? At some level, something told him he was going to have to choose. Having both of them didn’t make any sense, right?

But that was silly because how could he even choose. He couldn’t have one without the other, and really, this was likely the best case scenario. Greed wasn’t going to stand in his way anymore, hell, he was really beginning to appreciate the homunculus. One was that he could do things with that body that Ed didn’t even think were possible. This led to two, namely that when he wasn’t being a bitch, Ed had some of the best fun he’d ever had.

But was there more than that?

He looked down to see the answer staring at him. That is, Greed, looking curious and likely less patient.

“What’s up, kid?” He said, certified fresh Sass Free.™

Ed laughed a little, despite himself. “Oh nothing much.”

That inglorious cop out, however seemed to cause something in the homunculus. Ed had to bet it was a fight, as Greed’s eyes suddenly became shaded and glossy. Then he sharply exhaled.

“Technical difficulties,” he wheezed.

Ed just kind of looked at him. Two twitches later he inhaled like a person on the edge of drowning. The first thing he did was reach up to grab Ed’s face.

“You.” Ling said, “Are just a spec of dust in the universe.”

And that… “Wait, what?” Ed said.

“And dust is just that until we make something else out of it, got it?”

Ling paused for a second. His breathing was slightly labored, no doubt from either the fight with Greed or the effort of holding him back.

Ed, however, was just confused. “What the heck are you going on about?”

Ling flashed a smile. “Your face had a ‘the world means nothing’ vibe. Was I close?” Additionally, he propped himself up a touch higher.

Ed squinted at him. He had the sudden urge to feel his own face because, really, what sort of vibes was he putting off? After a moment he shook that off.

“I was just thinking,” he said instead.

“About the nature of time and space? Because I get that,” Ling chirped back.  

Ed brushed him off. “No, no, not that.” He sucked air, “Just about you, the royal you.”

Ling hesitated for a moment while numbers appeared to be adding up in his head. Then he said: “Are you talking about the voices in my head or comparing me to the queen?” With that, he shimmied closer and added, “because I don’t mind if you are.”

“The voices in your head,” Ed deadpanned.

Ling nodded at this, and Ed was witness to his attempts at taking this seriously drain away into oblivion. “Hmm,” he said. “So do you think we should humor him and go murder everybody like he keeps on telling me to. Huh?” he waggled his eyebrows.

Only to be interrupted by Greed, in a pure blaze of being slighted, coming back and saying, “Oh come on, I have more style than telling you to commit mass murder.”

Greed only lasted for a flash, however. Ling appeared to have the upper hand, and so the face molded back into a coquettish delight. He put a delicate hand over his lips. “Oops, don’t mind me. The murder just sort of _slips out_ ,” he trilled.

His face again contorted back to the very un-amused Greed, but he didn’t get a chance to yell again. Ling seized control again, and calmed down a touch. He reached up to caress Ed’s cheek – who was feeling like he’d just gotten off of a carousal. “Now, what is it?” Ling asked, softer.

Ed laughed. “You have so many issues.”

“Don’t I know it,” Ling cheerfully replied. Then he actually sobered, “but, uh, what about your angst? You can tell me you know.”

And with that, Ed was brought back. Although he had trouble pushing away the bright amusement, and really, he tried to get back to his anxiety about Greed. But he was looking down at Ling, and he was positively radiant. And Ed thought for a second, maybe things were just that simple.

So he said, “No, I’m good.”

Ling raised an eyebrow. “You sure?”

Ed scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah,” he said. With that, he burrowed his face into Ling’s hair.

Ling paused, and reached up a tenuous hand to Ed’s head. Meanwhile the alchemist took a minute to just breathe in the unaltered scent. It was pure, a little salty. He moved his nose around, though against a slight crunchiness. And yeah, when was the last time either or them had taken a shower? He cut the moment a little short and gets back up.

Ling still looked a little confused. Ed smiled a bit, and then reached down a touch further to wipe that from Ling’s lips. He took it in stride, and grabbed Ed a little tighter.

Their mouths moved against each other for about five moments. That is, of complete silence save for a little ringing feeling in Ed’s head. When they finally released, he felt a little light headed.

“So, my words of wisdom were successful?” Ling quipped.

“You’re full of shit, but close enough.”

“Sweet,” Ling replied. His eyes positively glittered. He was leaning backwards and looking upwards at Ed, still very much in his lap. His hair was slicked backwards, but finally dried off from the lake. And that, that just made something inside Edward start screaming. Albeit a scream of a different flavor.

He settled in for the snuggle, and waited for them to dry off.

\---

At some point, “drying off” was indistinguishable from just plain sleeping, which was what Ed was doing after about 20 minutes. It happened that this was also the amount of time necessary for them to actually dry off, so when Ling finally nodded off as well, Greed carefully extracted the body and went for a damn walk.

The chimeras had justifiably made scarce subsequent to wrapping the teens in a blanket with ample excuse to remove their clothing. Greed followed the light of a different fire until he found the two men playing cards. They stopped when they saw him.

Darius briefly looked behind Greed, and upon not seeing Edward he settled back in. “Hey boss,” he said, possibly identifying him by angst alone.

Greed grumbled a reply and plopped down on Heinkel’s log.

The fire crackled on for a couple of moments while Darius internally debated whether or not just to continue their game like nothing was happening. As the awkwardness stretched he extended his query to the rules of etiquette in general. Because really, what _was_ one supposed to do when interrupted like this? Just deal him in?

Darius had a feeling that he would feel bad if he told the homunculus to scram. So he didn’t.

Eventually, Greed piped up. “Do you guys ever feel like a third wheel?”

This was met with silence. Mainly, uh, because it was random as shit.

“It sounds like you do, kid.” Heinkel replied.

Greed stirred in his seat at that. “Aha, nice.” He put on a top grade fake smile and pointed a pair of finger guns at them. “You got me.”

Then he trailed off and the fire crackled some more at them.

Darius raised his finger – but was cut off by Greed starting up again. “I think you guys understand me,” he said. He nodded his head and raised his own finger. “I think I could learn a lot from you guys.”

Darius pointedly lowered his finger. “Kid—“ he started.

But Greed, no, he was on a roll now. There was no stopping him.

“I’m glad that I can come over here, you know.” He continued. “Come and sit around the fire, maybe toast some marshmallows or some shit.” He licked his lips. “Come and partake in some of your damn wisdom or something.”

With that he sagged on the log and put his hands in his hair. But like a spring he popped up again, running his fingers through his hair like he meant to in the first place. He did a sharp turn around the log, glancing at it like he wanted to kick it before he left, and abruptly stalked off.

Had there been dust bunnies, one would have whistled across the path behind him.

Darius and Heinkel just sort of looked at each other. Then down. Then Darius had an incredibly serious craving for some alcohol.

Heinkel, breaking the silence, said. “Sure its too late to put them up for adoption?”

“If that was an option we would have done it by now.” Darius replied dryly.

Heinkel nodded. “Right.” Then with a smile he picked up his hand again. “Shall we play cards like nothing is happening then?”

“You read my goddamn mind.” Darius picked up his own hand. “We’re still out of booze though, right?”

“Fraid’ so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: what bogged down this chapter was that I was initially going to put in a scene where Ed got chased up a tree by a family of bears. But yeah, that went about as dumb as it sounds. Two drafts people. TWO DRAFTS I WASTED ON THAT.
> 
> Finally this story is being written more on the seat of my pants than I'd like it to. At the moment I've got a fresh chapter 3 (as opposed to the not so fresh one that I posted last week and took down, whoops). And I'm putting my foot down and sitting on this until there's a 4 and a 5 for you guys. 
> 
> Bottom line: a week maybe 2 (from June 25). If it's written like a dry sack of potatoes, I'm not going to post it. There needs to be at least one (1) moist potato, (1) sexy potato, and (1) Light and Breezy(TM) potato. The point is that ain't no WIP gonna sink me, for this shit's gettin done (i.e., mashed potato). Finally guys, your feedback gives me life, so please spare some if you don't mind.


	3. Real Ass Rock Talk

It was cloudy the next morning. And there was something about stormy weather and shitty rations that brought a couple of things into pretty clear light. That is: it was time for a supply run.

Hunting kept them in meat, but the things scurrying around in the bush didn’t afford certainly luxuries such as not getting scurvy, eating something other than canned beef every once and a while, and not having an ear wined off by a prissy homunculus. In this sense, Greed was responsible for the present grocery run. That being said, there was no way any of them were letting him have anything to do with the actual shopping for fairly self evident reasons. He was fairly sternly benched to support roles only.

He wasn’t shy letting them all know how he felt about this either. From his position down the street he looked forlorn and bored, and only really stopped looking at his nails once he got the full force of two chimeras glaring at him. He was stationed there so that he could see people coming and signal when it was safe for the crew to merge, but just like his purely theoretical knowledge of budgets, whether or not he was going to actually cooperate was kind of up in the air.

After about a minute of spite threatening to overpower him, he waved them through.

The actual affair was a simple one. They all had their assignments: Heinkel and Darius were on perishables and canned goods respectively, and Ed was on raw materials for repairs. Today that meant fabric, junk metal for tent bearings, and a newspaper he happened to pick up off the ground.

Ed merged fluidly into the street, and one by one, he and the others all entered the store at slightly staggered times. They didn’t look together, they were casual as all get out, and everyone pretty much ignored them. A win as far as he was concerned.

And pretty much a simple in and out. Ed was riding on that high of a smooth project well done when he stepped back into the forest. Popping back in caused Greed to look up at him.

The homunculus managed to keep an air of being slighted even as he padded over and began to rifle through Ed’s bag. Judgmentally, he fished and probed through the various items, giving a couple of grunts at particular things. It was an automatic practice for the most part, however. And one that Ed didn’t really bother stopping anymore. He got a whole lot less tolerant when Greed paused at his newspapers though.

His eyebrow was judgmental.

By way of explanation, Ed bristled and said: “It beats the hell out of using leaves.”

“Well that’s not very thrifty of you.” Greed mocked back. “What happened to: Wah wah, gotta save money and tell me that I can’t have Real Things.”

Ed balked. “It’s not like that. I’m just tired of using them, is all. It’s toilet paper, writing, shelter…”

Greed held a hand up. “And since when did you become such a princess. Didn’t you already do your time on a deserted island?”

Ed got his glare on. “I told Ling that, and yeah. You’re getting worked up about a bit of paper now? I didn’t even buy this, I found it.”

“Oh, oh, so you’re using stuff you found off the ground then!” Greed retorted. “That just sounds like leaves but with extra steps.” With that, he inched closer to the fuming Ed and nailed his last point home: “City leaves, if you will.”

Ed was preparing his clap-back, but was interrupted by Darius stepping through the foliage. His foot immediately froze, however, and a wave of _Oh God, I’ve Caught them Alone,_ flashed over his face. When he realized it was punching distance instead of kissing distance though, he relaxed. That is, because Ed had grabbed the cuff of Greed’s shirt and was indeed ready to throw down.

Ed might have splashed some of his glare Darius’ way, but that was just because Greed was looking so damn sunny all of a sudden.

Darius just sighed and put his pack down. “You two behave yourselves will you? Are you looking to draw heat?”

To which Greed shot back. “That’s just Ed here. They’re going to come find him just for the good work he’s doing picking up litter.”

And that did it. Ed was shook. “What the hell is your problem anyway?” he hissed at Greed.

“My problem, my fucking problem?” Greed fumed back. And just like that he was getting ready to go. He straightened up against Ed, now nose to nose with him.

That is, until Darius rudely plucked him by the back of his trench coat to about 2 feet off the ground. (Which he did without raising his arm above his head.) The effect was that Greed went from bitch to _mad bitch_ instantaneously. Angrily, he wriggled in the air.

Darius simply said: “I wasn’t joking about the whole ‘don’t make a lot of noise or we’re gonna get cops’ thing, you know.” And Ed had to note that this was done remarkably calmly for a person on the receiving end of a very pissed off homunculus.

While Greed looked over his shoulder at Darius, he openly contemplated murder (meanwhile Ed was equally thoughtful about sticking his tongue out, but resisted). This culminated in a dead-end staring match which left Darius not even remotely intimidated, and ended shortly thereafter when Greed finally gave up. Improbably, reason won out, and he sighed.

“Right,” he said shortly. “No scenes.”

With that, Darius let him down. And not unlike in the technique of handling an unpredictable cat, Darius carefully made some distance and _bowled_.

To Greed’s credit, this happened without a flurry of claws. When he hit the ground, all he did was brush himself off while glaring at everyone in the vicinity, flip the hair out his eyes for the hundredth time, and then stalk off.

And Ed very frankly contemplated just not dealing with this.

The thought was just so tempting, but he knew he probably should do something. On the other hand, he was tired, and the tired part of him sincerely doubted that he could even _do_ anything. Especially since he had a sinking feeling that this wasn’t going to get better by promising to take him to a thrift store or something.

He wondered, then, whether or not he had done something. While he circled around the thought, he racked his memory for something, anything. Had Greed been slighted? Maybe it was because he had gotten in Greed’s way once too often. Was the homunculus finally snapping?

That thought definitely won the prize for the most plausible idea he’d had today.

Ed sat for a moment and contemplated this, just watching Greed while a half baked version of the thought swirled around in his head. Finally, after ringing his hands a little, he gave up and just walked over. There, he gave Greed a strong poke in the arm.

Which the homunculus acted mildly surprised at. Certainly not like he had just been watching Ed’s every move, just now. He had on his best vaguely annoyed resting face when turned with all of this innocence.

“Anything on your mind, honey?” Ed asked, cringing inwardly a moment later. Even while normal rates of sarcasm still applied for anybody using that turn of phrase, he kind of regretted it shortly afterwards because he _was_ sort of sincere.

Greed rolled his eyes. He picked his knees up and put them to his chest, and looked for a second like he wanted to turn into a ball and roll off to nowhere. But he didn’t.

He sighed. Then, looking like it physically pained him, he said. “I actually had a question for you, Ed.”

The same Ed did a spit-take because things had to be going sideways if Greed was using his real name for once. He realized it was time to sit down, so before he continued his shock he lightly shoved Greed aside and climbed onto the rock with him. (Or at least, he did his very best, seeing as though Greed didn’t exactly pick a large rock to go brood on)

Settled, Ed said: “Uh huh?”

Greed squinted at him, sucked in a breath, raised a finger, stopped himself, and then started all over again. Ed cocked his head to the side.

Then, take two: “You know,” he coughed out. “I’m not usually a labels guy. But lately I’m might have to take a little break from that policy. So, I’ll ask: what are we?”

And Ed was not there. Greed’s voice had practically squeaked at the end, and he was looking at Ed like a literal bees nest that he was presently taking a stick to. So yeah, Ed’s soul took that moment to depart his body and he just stared back at Greed for a couple of seconds (10 tops).

Whilst Greed’s expression gradually changed from carefully hopeful, to light worry, to mild alarm.

Ed’s reply, in all his articulateness was: “Um.”

Greed stared back at him. “There are only so many answers to that question, don’t hurt yourself,” he said slowly.

This gave Ed the perfect opportunity to confabulate all the way onto his butt. “Well, uh. It’s kind of complicated?”

Greed considered his response for a moment. His face took on a blank quality, not unlike when he was arguing with Ling, but he kept on bobbing his head through this time and stared off into stage left. Then he bit his own lip and made an indecisive sound.

Finally he settled on, “Well you’re not wrong,” with a small smile.  

Ed smiled weakly back. But he was seriously struggling and seriously blanking. He did not know what to say and he wasn’t even remotely prepared for this situation. Obviously the easy answer would be: ‘boyfriend.’ But what made him pause is that yeah, that probably applied to him and Ling. But Greed?

That was a whole other can of worms.

One who was looking at him expectantly.

Ed nodded, mostly to himself. “I think I’m gonna stick with ‘it’s complicated.’”

Greed pursed his lips. “Yeah, ok. That’s your final answer? Sure you don’t want to ask the audience or phone a friend?”

Ed looked at him sideways. “ _What?_ ”

Greed laughed shortly in return. He smacked Ed on the back. “Don’t worry about. Good talk, good talk.” Then he hopped off the rock, which looked casual for about 10 seconds until he got his powerwalk on. Then yeah, that was awkward.

Ed was left in the dust. As soon as Greed was out of sight he ran his hands through his hair. This was going to be a long day.

\---

_But would you STOP having that existential crisis so loudly?? You’re giving me a headache._

That was Ling taking his proverbial broom to the metaphorical roof of his headspace. He was making quite the racket, as was his custom when he had Greed all to himself. During his brisk walk, however, Greed still found the time to look haggardly back at Ling.

Who corrected himself: _I take that back, your crises are fine. It’s good to see you suffer a bit._

That pulled Greed from his stupor. _Excuse me?_ He said.

Ling shrugged. _I jest._

Greed looked at him seriously for a few moments. Then, quietly, he said. _You’re gonna have to nail down exactly what your point is here. Because I’m starting to seriously feel plotted against._

Ling stopped at that.

Greed found his rock and promptly climbed on top of it. The knees definitely came to his chest this time, and if he had a blanket he would be under it. He also would have seriously liked to be able to think his own thoughts in peace because Ling was now sitting there, giving him a peculiar look.

Greed narrowed his eyes. _Don’t you give me that ‘well son’—_

 _Well son,_ Ling steamrolled him. _It’s like this. When two teenagers that are actually three teenagers discover their love for each other and start making out in the woods, it can be a confusing time._

Greed kept up his withered look.

 _There are all sorts of new emotions_ , Ling continued with the gesticulation common to an adventure safari. _New discoveries too, including, for instance, the dangers of poison ivy._

Most of the time, Greed wasn’t one to accept his fate. He was the one who liked to be in charge. But damn. Damn _._

Ling continued. _Horrible, stuff, that stuff. You remember the time when we accidentally rolled in a patch of it? We don’t really have that back in Xing, but Ed should have known better. He just laughed though._

Against his better judgment, that did crack a smile on Greed’s face. _He regretted that one,_ he noted.

Ling grinned back. _‘Not my problem’ he said. ‘Hey—holy—what the fuck, how are you up in this tree so quickly?! No! No! Stop that!’ he said._ Ling cackled.

_Yeah, my climbing skills really caught him off guard didn’t they?_

_Even though poison ivy doesn’t transfer from skin to skin contact, that still was so priceless._ Ling said, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. Then, on a more sober note, he continued: _In any case, this is what I mean. The complications are what make the tapestry beautiful._

That put Greed in the dual state of holding back barf and being impressed. So he didn’t say anything.

Until Ling had to go and ruin it by making a poking motion to Greed’s would-be ribs and say. _Pretty good, eh? I’d say that really ties this moment together._

Greed groaned. _Yeeeeah, no._

 _It really spins what Ed said and puts it in a different light, right? And to think this isn’t even my first language,_ Ling guffawed.

Greed just scowled at him. He didn’t tell Ling to go fuck himself, however. That fact hung around for a while after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hell or high water. That's how this is going. I figured it had been too long since I'd updated last, so here you all are! One last thing, if any of you vaguely remember how the previous draft of this chapter went I would kill for some feedback. Or like, any feedback. The more I think about it, the less picky I get. Thanks!


	4. Medium Terrible Coping Mechanisms

Out of the many extremely exciting things to do around camp, the next thing that our heroes found themselves doing was Sitting on A Log. That is, a short distance from camp, where Ed was staring off into the forest and Greed was sitting quietly beside him making a shiv.

What occurred to Ed, however, that the latter’s activities beside him constituted an unexpected twist happening only inches from him. Stick carving? In his camp? Never!

This was the thought that sprung into his head with equal parts sarcasm and moroseness. The second question that occurred to him was why Greed would even need a shiv at all. He could literally turn his hands into knives.

So as Greed continued, even humming a little bit, which was fuckin weird – Ed’s eyes finally took on a focused quality. He took a hard look at his companion, then up at the sky which was dark? Then at his pocket watch that he quickly fished out of his coat.

He groaned. Then to Greed, he said: “Are you here to take me back to camp or something?”

Greed didn’t break stride with his completely original retort of: “Or something.”

Ed’s eyes narrowed at him. His hand pawed to rub them a little bit and he yawned. Then, back to Greed, who looked at him with a raised eyebrow. It was playful and did something to the pit of his stomach.

Ed looked down. With mirth, he recalled there was once a time when he could sit on a log by himself no questions asked. He was going to have to be a hell of a lot more stealthy to get away from the clingiest 2 in 1 package deal that he knew.

It was somewhat of a shame, because as much as he hated to admit it, he kind of did need some air. He had to shake himself, because it really wasn’t like him to give into the angst like this, but he could feel himself practically crawling up the walls.

And Greed was still looking at him with that probing expression. Finally, he tutted his tongue and said: “Hm. I swear, the longer I spend around you, the more of an angst bucket you become.”

Ed blinked. “The fuck you just call me?”

Greed unrepentantly shrugged.

Ed shook himself. That was just what he needed to remind himself why he had ditched camp to begin with. The taunting had made him smile for some reason, and he wanted to laugh at himself and cry at the same time because of this.

“And now you’re looking at me like somebody just stole your favourite chemistry set, nerd,” Greed said. He had somehow become even more encouraged, as in, his hand was resting ever so subtly on the log behind Ed.

Ed couldn’t look away. Greed used that to his full advantage and promptly disregarded the spare inches between them. But as he was swooping in, Ed was leaning back with the force of about 10 different alarm bells in his head.

And Greed stopped. He raised an eyebrow.

Not unlike a crack of metaphorical lighting, it slowly dawned upon Greed that the culprit that had Ed out in the woods avoiding him were none other than _unresolved emotional issues_. Greed groaned.

Ed smiled weakly.

“Yerg, well ain’t that a son of a bitch.” Greed said after a fashion. It lacked bite, however. Instead it was dialed back, quieter.

And for some reason that had Ed back-pedaling and saying, “No, no.”

Which was a gesture Greed looked like he almost believed. He paused a second before exhaling in a puff. “You know, there’s a reason that was my policy, the whole no labels thing. It just ruins the rhythm of things.”

But you know, as Greed said that – which he did both because it was true and he wanted to, it hit Edward like a curve ball. Having all of that out in the open so quickly seemed to overwhelm him almost immediately, which manifested itself in one high pitched “HM?”

Thankfully for him, Greed was on a roll now and Ed didn’t have to say shit. His hands were getting going as he said: “If it were you and me 1.0, things would have been simple. First of all, I still had my bar, and that was the perfect venue for a good night, no strings attached, bata bing, bata _boom_.” He said with an eyebrow wiggle, which made pretty crystal clear what the _boom_ was emphasizing.

“Because clearly bars are the sexiest things ever invented. _Obviously._ ” he continued, but his mouth trailed off with a _lot_ more sass in that last bit than what was otherwise a completely plausible statement. A moment later, Greed backtracked himself and confirmed Ed’s suspicions by strongly scowling inwardly.

Ed smiled at this.

In a flash Ling was back. He emphatically mouthed “ _They aren’t.”_

Just as fast, he was gone. As far as Ed could tell, pointed words were being exchanged being the blank vaguely scowling face. A lip twitch gave him the inkling of a struggle – which was vindicated when Ling once again bubbled to the surface.

“Honestly!” He continued in a flurry. “I’m putting my foot down with this cheesy pickup crap – It’s _I would have sicked by bouncers on you_ here _,_ and _where the fuck is my sick ride_ there _._ You don’t understand what I’m going through here, this bitch dreams in _leather and whisky aesthetic._ ” Ling keened, grabbing Ed by the collar.

His grip was saying this was life or death, but his cracking smile was saying that he was taking some serious heat on the inside for stealing Greed’s thunder. Somehow that just made things better.

“You don’t say?” Ed replied.

Which Greed replied to with a sweep of his hand. “Ugh, listen to him over-emphasize that again, it’s not that bad.” He mocked. “Besides, don’t tell me that you wouldn’t have gone for that sort of thing?”

Before Ed could reply, Ling was back with a look that strongly implied it was Way Worse.

Ed laughed. He said, “Well I don’t know about the whisky, but the leather sounds fine to me.”

Ling was aghast. “It chafes!” He shouted back. “You want that rubbing up against you??” But then he remembered who he was talking to. Ed sort of shrugged at him. He was completely unmoved despite Ling’s passion.

He was overtaken by Greed, who was strong where Ling faltered and who went for the damn _kill_ with: “The thing is, that it wasn’t the bar, or the ride, or my charm as a sole proprietor, it was the _accessories_ that were my real selling point back in those days.”

And that, boys and girls, got Ed’s attention.

“Belt buckles, bracelets, chains, I had all the toys,” he purred.

Ed listened intently. He was caught up in whatever the hell Greed was doing with his eyes. “Uh huh?” He said.

“And you know what, we could have it _all_. Because I still have ideas, and if you come a little closer I’ll tell you one.”

Ed was fairly ready to do just that, but for Ling, two steps ahead of that thought process and suddenly screaming “NO!” like bloody murder in his face.

Ed scowled. Then Greed switched back and smiled at him again. And what could Ed really say other than: “Well now I gotta know,” at that point?

“Don’t do it, bitch!” Ling screeched.

“Can-it, I wanna hear.” Ed snapped. He moved in closer, much to Greed’s delight as he scooched back into the driver’s seat.

Delicately, and likely amidst Ling’s screaming, he whispered. _“Shoulder-pads.”_ A chill ran down Ed’s spine. But oh, no, he wasn’t done. With the odd combination of a smug expression despite the blood draining from his face he continued: “With _spikes._ ”

“Oh holy fuck.” Ed said.

“I know,” Greed rumbled. At this, Ling seized the hell out of their body, jumping out of his seat and breathing heavily.

“This…” he said, “this has gone too far.”

Which fell on deaf ears – specifically Ed, who still looked dazed, and even worse like he was putting some effort into that mental image. Ling keened. “Alright, time to snap out of it, don’t let yourself fall under that witch’s spell!”

Greed sent Ling a pulse of offence at that, but that didn’t stop his momentum.

Under his breath, Ed muttered. “We could do it, too.” His eyes locked with Ling’s and by god, there was a plan in that head.

Ling’s own head started to spin. Things were moving too quickly now. Sweat was accumulating on his brow as he wracked his brain for a plan, a way out, some way to _not be having this conversation right now._ Because Ed’s hands were twitching like he was getting ready for a clap – and Ling certainly could not have that.

He grabbed Ed’s offending hand. Much to his dismay, this only elicited a glassy expression. It became fully clear just how far gone Ed was in that moment, no yelling, no nothing, just _thinking._ And Ling did think: NOPE.

As he scanned the immediate forest, a terrible idea came to him. A last resort of sorts to stop things in their tracks. Then he was running full tilt, possibly before fully contemplating things. But he was fast, and Greed was surprised enough that his body was reasonably loose.

And this was how the royal son of the emperor of Xing, seeing no other way out of his situation, decided to take the initiative and run himself headfirst into a tree.

\---

They were laying in the grass. Only one participant in this situation was doing so voluntarily. That would be Ed, who presumably put Ling in that position and laid down himself as he got bored of waiting for him to wake up.

Or at least, Ling had to assume that’s what happened; because the first thing he saw was blue sky and annoying gold hair getting in his eyes. Looking upwards, he realized that was from Ed laying head to head with him and the wind being a bitch.

He puffed the hair from his face. And he noted – with belated regret as he felt Greed whirring to life again in his head – that yeah, he had enough to deal with getting his own hair out of his eyes. Damn if that didn’t supercharge his reboot, because before Ling’s head was even on straight again, Greed was whining in his ear:

 _Fuckin hell, that’s what I’m_ _always saying._

Which Ling brushed off with a wave of his hand. What jumped out at him, though, was the lack of resistance in doing so. He noted that the homunculus felt a little more woozy than he did. Inference then led him to believe that this might have had something to do with the way he may have abruptly pushed Greed into the driver’s seat at the very last moment before impact. Whoops.

Greed mumbled something about him being an asshole that Ling ignored.

So Ling just ran with the extra control he had and gave Ed a thump in the shoulder. The alchemist jump-started awake, probably guilty for falling asleep on the job when he should have been wracked with worry.

“Whoa, whoa.” He said. Then rubbing his eyes, he finally came back to the task at hand. “Are you ok?”

Ling sucked up the attention like water. Solemnly, he nodded. “Uh, I think so.” He said. Then with mirth, he continued: “Although that might have not been my best idea… in retrospect.”

Once more Ling felt the familiar twinge of mixed regret and horror as Greed started to agree with him. Ling shuttered and pushed away that feeling and the muttering both.

He focused on Ed instead – now flipped over and looking at him. There was light humor, albeit marinated in a whole lot of consideration likely about whether he was medically sound enough to call a dumbass. Then, in a flash, there was worry as well.

To that, Ling stretched out, feeling a good preen coming on.

But then that first thought had to win out and Ed muttered: “You dumbass.”

Ling smiled wide, “Aw thanks, you too!” ignoring it completely because life was too short.

Ed continued to look incredibly unimpressed. He picked himself up along with his fist in a ball and continued: “I should smack you again. I mean, what the fuck??”

“Eh heh.” Ling said as he tried to get up himself. He made it two inches before his head started pounding like a son-of-a-bitch. Which of course, got Greed whining and making everything worse. And yeah, there wasn’t a replacement for a damn regression to make Ling regret his life choices.

So he laid back down and aggressively relaxed. “You know what?” He said, “Never mind about that regret stuff. I’m fine with my life choices at the moment.”

Which didn’t convince Ed in the slightest, but whatever. He raised an eyebrow at Ling. “Hm, ok? A likely story.” Then, as Ling looked on with no little worry, he shuffled closer.

Very tactfully, Ed proceeded to poke Ling in the head. He winced in return.

Ed got suspicious again. “I’m calling your bluff. I think you’re making it all up for the attention.”

Ling gasped. “If I cause enough drama you mean all the horrible things will stop happening? What an accusation, how could you!?”

Ed, the smug bastard, didn’t move a damn muscle. He just kept on _looking at him._

Until Ling trailed off and said. “Well you’re not wrong.”

This was when Greed piped up in his head and started calling him more mean names. That being said, it was somewhat easier to ignore him.

“Hey Ed, I think I’m going to get head injuries more often.”

“WHAT” and _WHAT the Fuck You LiTTle pUnk._

“It makes things quieter.”

This made Ed stop, for whatever reason, instead of going on his completely hypocritical rant about not doing stupid shit. Ling smiled at him, but it didn’t quite have the desired effect. Instead, whoo mama, he managed to somehow rile up the good old Elric Guilt.™

Which even Greed stopped his outburst to smirk about. _Now you did it._ The bastard reminded him.

“Ling.” Ed said. This effectively launched Ling from his headspace. He was suddenly very much in the moment. Ed had that sappy searching expression on his face, like the dumbass still thought he was responsible for Ling’s current condition. It passed in a second, when he substituted all of that angst for the good old: “I think I can help you with that.” Then with a very bad expression he saw it right in that moment to lean carefully over Ling and deliberately fall on him.

“Whaa.” Ling groaned. He realized he was a little more tender than he thought, and Edward’s higher than normal metal content made things a little less fun.

Ed sweetly replied. “I mean, I would hit you in the head. But I can just save that for later, you know I’m good for it.”

Ling considered a sweet little ‘I know’ conjoiner. He could see that moment coming from a mile away, considering the way that Ed was less trying to squish him and more just snuggling. (Although trying to get him to admit that last part was going to be fun.) But there was also the whole head injury thing to consider, so Ling unfortunately did have to back off a bit.

“Thaat’s good enough,” Ling said, putting a hand on Ed’s chest.

There was a flash in Ed’s eyes. “No we’re just getting started.” And only a little bit like a python he curled just that much tighter.

Ling shrieked as he realized that he’d read the situation completely wrong, while he was settling in for the fluffy stuff, Edward had been buttering him up. He’d been lulled into a false sense of security and allowed this gremlin to encircle him completely. Ling struggled some more while Ed relished in this.

And then a little more. Until the impossible happened and Ed seemed to grow tired of his torment. Then he just gently rested his chin on Ling’s chest and said again, this time with feeling: “You dumbass, I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hill I'm dying on is paved with shoulder-pads.
> 
> Also here's my [tumblr](https://feelingstentacles.tumblr.com/), because I'm feeling a Thing coming on with linking in chapter 4. (Even though it appears to be borne of lazy social media promotion, I accept my child now.)


	5. Bad Acting

That headache, by the way, was still going pretty strong. It had been three hours, which by then had become a situation that was entirely Not Ok.

But Ling, oh Ling. He didn’t even care. He was positively buzzing in the headspace, because things were good. Super good. Greed was pushed into the passenger seat, Edward had said that L-word. After that, Ling didn’t let Greed back in for a long time, they just sat and talked. And there wasn’t a damn thing Greed could do about it.

That being said, looking at the big picture, couldn’t this tension just be reduced to personal space issues? He had to think objectively for a moment, because apart from that things were good, really. Sometimes their relationship couldn’t get any more freaking harmonious if they tried.

What loomed however, was the fact that this was probably the _only_ way things could work out between them. So yeah, Greed knew darn well that he needed to hurry up and chill already.

Yet, not unlike a tick on his neck, he just couldn’t shake a bad feeling.

 _That tonight’s going to be a good night? You mean?_ Ling popped up like a spring. All of a sudden, Greed’s entire attention was focused on him.

Ling rolled his hands. _This is when you come back with the singing part, yeah?_

What Greed really did was purse his eyebrows. Yeah, even though he wasn’t too clear on what was down there, he was sure that some of this repressed shit was just pure concentrated compacted annoyance. He could fill a dying star with this shit. He sighed. _You see, this is what I mean._ He said.

This may have ruined Ling’s party a little bit, but he didn’t care. The prince paused.

 _One: you’re saying it wrong. I said ‘bad feeling’ not ‘good feeling.’_ Greed whipped an arm to emphasize. _It’s utter nonsense, but I can’t have you messing this up on me._

Ling grinned back. _Oops._

Greed raised another finger, _Two: I am so over you being in my head right now. It’s getting like, this close, kid._

 _Your fingers are touching._ Ling pointed out.

Greed flashed some teeth back. _Case in point._ In response, he could feel Ling pulling away from him, looking for exits. And honestly, Greed was kinda down for pulling some oppressive poltergeist shit on him – but he dialed it back at the last minute. He already knew it wasn’t going to be enough.

A finger snapped in front of his face. It jarred him back front and centre, and he blinked at it along with Edward’s lovely scowling face. “Hello?” he said, “Just wanted to say that its been 15 minutes and that moment that you asked for instead of setting up camp is probably up by now.”

Which was all Ling needed to skirt away in the headspace and all but evaporate. Bittersweet, truly. Greed’s zeroed in directly at Edward, however. “What if I was doing something, dickwad.”

Edward rolled his eyes. “You mean sitting so still it’s a little creepy? Yeah, ok.”

“I have a headache, ok!” Greed snapped back. For once, too, it was a completely legitimate excuse.

 _You._ He continued at Ling. _You, I will deal with later. I did mention how done I am, right?_

No response. Just the vague feeling of being watched. Which, hey, actually. Light improvement. Greed wished he’d do that more often.

Back to Edward, who was completely unconvinced. “Yeah, sure. We’ll just wait for your prissy ass to get ready whenever, I suppose.” He motioned to Darius and Heinkel behind him, currently raising a tent and looking collectively annoyed at him.

Greed felt aghast. “It’s true!”

“Mhm,” Ed replied. He watched Greed for a second – in particular, his bottom lip, which Greed was just beginning to realize might have been sticking out a touch. He realized he ought to dial that back. That is, right about the time that something switched in Edward’s expression.

“Hm,” he said again. The connotation had changed, and Greed struggled to recalibrate, because Edward had suddenly animated to grasp his arm. “Are you actually alright?” he said, complete with a piercing gaze.

“Uh,” Greed said as he verbally tripped. It took him a second to actually grasp what was going on. Was that concern? In his house? The shift felt something like a meteor hitting him in the head. He had to take a moment to pull himself together – then, with soft vigor he said: “No. No, I’m not.”

Ed’s voice dropped an octave, with his “Oh.” In a second he was sitting and scooting closer. And if that didn’t set off a few alarm bells in Greed’s head. The energy was way too exaggerated.

Especially when Ed enunciated. “You wanna talk about it?”

Greed looked at him for a second. The inclination of his head, his inquisitive look. And also the giant trap that he was sure was coming. But if this was a thing that they were doing now, then he might as well, right? With that, his shoulder drooped. What was there to talk about, even?

So he said, “Ah, I don’t know. The best I’ve got right now is maybe singing some emo bangers together.”

Ed squinted at him. “Uh, what??” he said. The gears that were turning in his head to process that were evidentially rusty as hell. He muttered, “You’re a real basket-case, you know that?”

Greed shrugged, nonplussed. Then he made to get up. He figured that a walk would probably sort him out.

But Ed stopped him. The alchemist had a wild look in his eye when his arm suddenly whipped out to block his path out. With that, Greed got his glare on.

“I thought you said you weren’t feeling well?” Ed asked, sickly sweet.

Greed scoffed. “I’m not. So I’m gonna take a walk.”

Then the standoff properly began. Ed said, “Sit, I insist. If you’re not feeling well enough to pitch a tent I doubt you’ll get very far in the woods.”

Greed slowed. He paused a couple of beats, because as Ed was getting excited, the chimeras had stopped by to check out the commotion. Currently, they were looking very large behind Edward.

“We can’t have you wandering around the woods in your condition, you might get eaten by a bear or something.” Edward continued. Then before Greed’s somewhat disbelieving eyes, he caught onto the drift that Edward was throwing. One that the chimeras were very much on board with.

Son of a bitch.

Heinkel said: “We wouldn’t want to be exasperating your feelings, would we boss.”

And that pulling feeling in Greed’s chest, that was his want to protest in this situation. He sat back on his log. While Ed was grinning like a maniac and Darius just cracked his knuckles, it dawned upon Greed exactly what was going on:

“You’re putting me in the Sissy Corner,” he said, nearly in a single breath. Then, getting his eyes set on flaying some bitches alive, he hissed: “Don’t you dare!”

Which Darius responded to by casually leaning to one side. He said: “Why don’t you just rest.”

Not desperately, Greed retorted: “Oh come on, I thought we made a deal to abolish the passive aggressive means to get work done around here.”

Which Edward had the nerve to fucking laugh at. Greed bristled. Yeah, sure, he could admit that it wasn’t as though the non-passive-aggressive tactics worked particularly well, but this was fucking low.

That being said, Greed knew what to do: he had to appeal to Edward’s universal compassion for humanity. That would do it, simple enough.

So he said: “Just boxing me up like this when I want to be free is just as bad as making me a slave, Ed. You’re standing there enslaving me.” He ended morosely.

Contra to Edward, who was trying to hold back laughter.

Then Darius, as accompanied by Greed’s sudden feeling of being 2 feet tall, said: “Why don’t you just stay put, hm?”

The weird part was that then he kinda did. Because _where the fuck did that come from._ Greed had to think that it was because Darius could be an intimidating guy when he wanted to be, and that coupled with the sudden metaphorical kick he got from Ling in his head made for one Greed that didn’t really want to deal with this situation anymore.

Most of the time, the chimeras didn’t pull shit like this, but there they were, the muscle behind Edward. The teen had the face of a winner.

So Greed, elegant as fuck, crossed one leg over the other and gave a ‘well are you happy now?’ look to the gathered crowd.

This caught Darius off guard, who’s eyes popped open like he really didn’t expect the victory. This seemed to satisfy him that his work was done, in any case, so with a big smile and a pat on Greed’s shoulder slowly turned back to the half finished tent. This was followed by Heinkel with an equally impressed noise.

This just left Greed, who put his nose in the air and decided to place the blame entirely on his head (and Ling) for this situation. He noted this as the chimeras parted, leaving Edward, who for some ungodly reason appeared to not have had enough yet.

His smile was slowly changing though, and it became creepier as an idea was likely forming in his head. With that, he moved in again, but this time with some evidentially farm fresh fake concern.

“Just know,” he said, voice soft. “I’m here for you.”

Again, normally Greed would have brushed that one off too, maybe shot back a quip about being life-mates or something to get him going. But instead he felt his face twisting. He had to wonder, what, exactly Ed was playing at here. Because it didn’t feel like a game anymore.

And just as Greed felt the pass slipping form his fingers, he felt Ling swoop in and pick up that metaphorical ball. He did this in form of grabbing Ed’s hands. And then he finally got his “I know,” conjoiner.

Greed could feel the satisfaction radiating off of him.

Ling did this with such exquisite delivery that Greed, still partially in the driver’s seat, probably due to the head injury, got to see first hand the way that Ed’s eyes lit up at this. The way the recognition washed over him, and how this changed things: i.e., the sudden relaxation, the soft smile. He looked like a man coming home.

And that. Well, Greed didn’t even know _what_ to think about that. Something about it detached him from the situation, he felt lighter, like he was floating.

In any case he didn’t need to say anything. His lips were moving anyway and contorting into a wide smile. Ling said: “It’s times like these that I really appreciate you, Edward. Because Greed really isn’t lying here. My head is killing me.”

Ed pursed his lips. “Maybe don’t run into trees?”

“Hm,” Ling said, nodding sagely. “Sounds like a plausible solution. You know what, I’ll take it under advisement,” he said, wiggling closer. “In the meantime, though. You might be able to help.” His eyebrows were the next thing to wiggle.

Ed immediately groaned. “Are you really starting that up again?

“PLEASE EASE MY PAIN!” Ling cried. He tugged on Ed’s sleeve, “I swear it helps, it really does.”

“Said the con-man of the year,” Ed hissed back. He furtively glanced back at Heinkel and Darius, who were no way oblivious to the turn the conversation was taking, and by the looks of it, assertively trying to ignore them at that point. Ed’s gaze rested on them for a few moments, and then his consideration came back to Ling. And damn he was considering it.

Like it was so easy.

With that, Greed pulled back on Ling. First he took back a hand that he gently used to push Ed away. The immediate result was both parties looking down at that hand in shock.

Ling winced at this. His entire essence was practically screaming for this moment not to end. And much to Greed’s disdain, damn did he pour some firepower into getting that hand back.

But Greed wasn’t going to let him win this time. His fighting power was less powered by an indomitable heroic passion and more a profound desire for this moment to be _over_ , sissy corner be damned.

The force he used was at least double the day-to-day suppressing power. He hit hard and fast and caught Ling off guard, which gave Greed the opening that he needed to stand up. This also caught Ed off guard, and he looked up with concern. Real concern, Greed might add. And fuck that noise some more.

But Ling was far from done. He surged back swinging a moment later, and blame the headache, because the swift counterattack gained him two hands and a mouth. And as if to rub it in, the first thing that he used his ill gotten gains for was theatrics.

Ling clutched his chest. “The demon returns…” he croaked. Then he splayed himself into Edward’s arms, limp as a dishrag and heaving like there was something wrong with his lungs (there wasn’t). “I can’t… control him.” Ling breathed. For good measure, and while Greed was still thoroughly unimpressed, he writhed.

Then, the real killer, he said: “I’ll never forget you.”

And something switched with Ed. This was the very relatable kind of switch in which he suddenly became a weeping 18th century widow. It was with remarkable speed that he picked up whatever Ling was pitching, because then the bitch was shouting: “Ling! No! It’s too soon!”

Greed, for one, was thoroughly shook. Maybe that’s what made his grip break again after another aggressive seizure.

Because Ling just kept on going. Wheezing, even though his fucking lungs were fine: “I’ll never forget you,” he croaked.

“Come on, you can fight him!” Ed cheered on, shaking Ling in his arms. He alternated between frantically burrowing his head in Ling’s chest and slapping him lightly on the cheek (with a tiny glint in his eye when it got a touch hard.)

Which by that time Greed was beyond done playing. As the headspace around him practically electrified, he quadrupled the amount of power he typically used to suppress this fucking kid. For his trouble, Ling shuttered and Greed got a hand, the right one this time. He used it to put some space between himself and Ed.

Then Greed opened his own eyes.

And fuck, that sorrowful expression was just right there, wasn’t it. The badly acted tears, the playful undertones only inches below the façade. Ed slapped at Greed’s disbelieving face again, and repeated: “Don’t let him win.”

That bounced off the back of Greed’s head with an echo, and he faltered. Ling seized the moment, which effectively brushed whatever that was aside and replaced it with a pure feeling of being _pissed._ He was a fucking homunculus and he could deal with this fucking _brat._

Ling said with an overdone croak: “I… I will always love you.”

Which Edward fucking lapped up, becoming more frantic as Greed watched in near dumb horror while Ling convulsed for one last time. It was just one quick pulse, then limpness – then the control flowed back to Greed with no quams whatsoever.

And Ed, sensing it was done, expediently wiped his fake tears away and smiled widely. He sighed a large: “Whew, that was alright!”

Greed didn’t even know what to say. His breathing had sped up for an actual legitimate reason and he was really having trouble processing what was going on. That is, what exact kind of _audacity_ was going on here. For all his effort though, he couldn’t think of a single damn thing that would make this situation any better.

Which is what got him going when Ed tilted his head and said: “Hey, what’s the matter?”

Greed just looked at him, incredulous.

Edward took this as awkwardness and applied some gratuitous conversation lubricant. He continued with a laugh. “It’s from the soaps, relax.”

The taut string lost a few threads. “What the _actual fuck._ ” Greed said.

Ed blanched. “What?”

Greed waved an arm. “This, all of this.” He said, and with that he stood his fucking ground. “I’m gonna ask _once_ what the _hell_ you’re doing here. Because I know I’m the fucking _bad guy_ here, and that _I’m_ the one keeping you from this snot-nosed-brat in my head, and I know that there isn’t a thing you wouldn’t do to get him back.”

Ed visibly deflated. This was in response to what was likely more cracked of a voice than Greed would have preferred. But he carried on with:

“So is that why I can’t seem to shake this feeling of being fucking _used_ here?” He spat.

This is where Ed finally stopped him. “Hey, hey. Where is all of this coming from?”

Greed kept his chin up. But this was while Ed had softly grabbed his hand, and was now stroking the top of it. He said: “I had no idea, Greed.” The same homunculus had to try that much harder to stay upright.

“It’s ok, shhh.” Ed said. Then he repeated the same thing and pulled Greed down. The homunculus was resistant for about half a beat. But Ed kept it up, and Greed was so, so very tired all of a sudden. So he came down, Ed continued talking, adding more nonsense. Ed put his arms around Greed’s shoulders and most of all just held him, (which was helpful considering that Greed was very much shaking at that point)

Greed stopped for a bit. He let himself be held, he closed his eyes and in a moment of weakness dropped his face into Ed’s shoulder.

Ed whispered. “You should have said something, I had no idea you felt this way.”

“Didn’t you, though?” Greed murmured back. “What the hell kind of arrangement has this been anyway? It’s either around me or through me.”

“It’s not like that. You’re not just some conduit. You’re our friend,” Ed replied.

Greed almost didn’t respond again. Then, quietly, he said: “It doesn’t feel that way sometimes.”

“It’s the truth, though.” Ed replied. With that, he kissed the top of Greed’s head and tightened the embrace. Greed let himself relax into it, and for a moment, he wrapped his arms around Ed’s waist and stayed there.

This lasted one beat, then two. Unbeknownst to them, somehow Heinkel and Darius had summoned the concentration to finish the tents behind them during this time as well. As the couple quelled the turbulent waters with their embrace, Heinkel had snapped in the last pole in with a hunted expression.

He looked over to Darius, who was similarly really really trying to pretend that he was somewhere far away. After this, Darius did a quick once-over of their work, conferred back with Heinkel for about 0.5 of a second, and then together they power-walked the hell out of there.

Greed stirred. There was just one last thing. Quietly, he said: “So is that what we are then, just friends?”

Ed paused mid stroke. There it was, the hesitation. Greed had to hold onto his optimistic interpretation that this was due to the usual lack of self examination. He had to believe that. There wasn’t anything else nefarious going on here.

Ed said, slowly. “I don’t think I gave you a straight answer the last time we had this conversation.”

Something about this made it harder for Greed to hold onto his hard won thought. He stiffened as Ed’s voice got lower, more introspective.

He continued: “I’ve been doing some thinking about that, and I think that yeah, friends is the label that I would use. I mean, if doing uh, stuff is one of the things that friends do between everything else, then yeah, that just about sums up our relationship.”

Ed finished just as air was becoming a problem, and his expression was cautious. Finally, he was actively scanning for a reaction. And he watched as Greed didn’t say anything.

Because if anything, that was sincere. Finally. That made him relax somewhat – because it was a straight answer in what seemed like a never-ending sea of bullshit.

That didn’t mean he knew what to do with it, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. We're in the home stretch now, guys. I wish I had the poop emoji because I would put that beside the right facing arrow emoji beside the fan emoji. It's good to be near the end because I'm getting a good swing at the themes that have been bugging me since I started this nonsense. 
> 
> So stay tuned for the next chapter and don't be shy below if you have thoughts!


	6. A Quiet Night

Hey self confidence, it’s me. I thought you were dead. Like, not hearing from you for a while is almost enough to make a guy assume the worst, you know? I felt like you’d failed me after all this time. Like you’d run off with my good looks and left me hanging all alone with this anxiety.

I thought it was a fever dream that I couldn’t get one skinny little alchemist.

But that wasn’t completely true. Greed vaulted from his head. Edward wasn’t completely lost to him, he’d said as much. Greed was just not… number one to him. They didn’t have what he might have wanted. The thing became just that much clearer now that it was behind about 2 inches of impenetrable glass.

With that, he collapsed into somewhat of a fog in his head. He relaxed the constant effort it took to remain distinct from the background of the screaming headspace. He noticed Ling, instead, who of course could hear everything, like fucking always. (This was a matter not helped by Greed’s complete unwillingness to be quiet and his further desire to yell everything he had to say lounged on a fainting couch.)

Ling didn’t say anything. He was uncharacteristically quiet, as a matter of fact.

What the fuck ever, anyway. There was something about this whole thing that really got shit burning in Greed’s chest. It was a familiar feeling, one that he’d even go so far as to attribute as the core of his being. And it was telling him that this wasn’t _enough._

But at the same time, things were _pretty good._ Besides the fact that there was no getting past the terms of engagement here. That was the immovable object against his unstoppable desire. And a sure recipe for misery.

That didn’t make any sense, though. This wasn’t looking at how things actually played out between them. The stupid optimism that humans had, and the way they made the best out of a situation. This didn’t take into account how it felt.

Which honestly felt like a logical kick in the teeth, because he was somehow telling himself that he was going to be miserable and thwarted for as long as things lasted, but also that things were going to be fine. That sounded like the issues were being paved over here.

And it hit him. That’s exactly what has been happening.

_You._ Greed said. _That’s exactly what you’ve been doing._

Ling was affronted. _Have not._

Greed let that rock solid defense sink in a bit more. _Every time that I’ve gotten close, like, icky close, you’ve been there to pull the rug out from under me. You’ve stolen my thunder as many times as you’ve been there to fucking pick me up and tell me it’s ok._

Ling’s eyes squinted open in confusion. _What are you even talking about?_

_The tree you pissant. That was fucking deliberate. And why, you ask? Because Ed and I were jiving. You know my head still hurts a bit from that little stunt._

This time Ling’s entire face scrunched in confusion. Greed could feel his urge to brush the whole thing off, make a quip about it being funny at the time.

But Greed cut him off before he could even properly articulate that thought. He said: _I’m gonna stop you right there._

Which is where Ling finally got his glare on. _You didn’t even let me start._ he said, waving an arm. Then, with a sigh: _I don’t even know what you want me to say here. It’s all in good fun? You’re over reacting?_

Ling realized a second later that that last thing might have been a touch like poking a beehive, because fuck if Greed didn’t react some more. He laughed cynically. _Really now?_ he said.

_As a matter of fact._ Ling shortly said back. _You know what I’m doing here, really? The best I can._

And there it was, finally. Greed diffused a bit under the growing pressure from Ling. The prince continued, with vigor. _You think I wanted to share like this? Why would anybody want to share somebody like Edward? No, this part, this part I could really_ _live without._

Greed felt his face twitch.

_But unlike some people I know, I can actually share. Because we’re stuck with each other and I do what I have to do to be happy._

If there was a mike, Ling would have dropped it. At this, he was even brought to the point of being almost frazzled. It made for somewhat of a refreshing change from his usually unflappable bullshit, and it even came with a side order of bare restraint from punching Greed in the face. Somehow.

And all of a sudden Greed wanted to laugh, because fuck, he would find a way. He had to give it to the tenacious snot.

With that, Ling ran a hand through his hair. _You’re a dick, you know that?_ He said, letting out a stressed breath. Greed silently watched him for a moment. Then it occurred to him:

He said: _Hm. I think I’ve gone about this the wrong way._ Which received aggressive and sardonic surprise from Ling. Greed barreled on through though: _I feel as though we can get a different thing going here, maybe like a summer cottage timeshare type agreement?_

This stopped Ling in his tracks. Greed actually offering to share something was actually pretty darn low on the list of things that he expected to happen. Which Greed bristled at a touch. He was a nice guy when he wanted to be.

But Ling didn’t budge. It was still straight from left field as all get out. Which was the point that Greed really had to concede on. At that he lightened up.

Ling didn’t, however. Shortly, he said: _That sounds fine by me. While we’re at it, why don’t you go off and take the first shift._

Greed took this with a grain of caution. _Thanks? Maybe I will._

With little more than a nod, Ling stormed off. This was with clear intent to slam a door if he could, but doors in their headspace would just be silly.

This was where Greed found himself. It was pitch black night and he was leaning up against a tree that he vaguely remembered finding. He realized it had to be about 2 a.m. as he blinked his eyes, and it occurred to him all at once that being free of the brat meant he could be doing pretty much anything that he wanted to. Fuckin sweet.

That being said, his decision wasn’t a particularly hard one. He went back to the tent, barging in with leaves in his hair and not making an effort to zip the tent quietly behind him.

That is: to Edward, sleeping on his back like a lump. And as usual, he was snoring like there was something physically wrong with him. As Greed unlaced his boots and kicked them off he stirred mildly.

Which was where Ling saw it fit to say: _Enjoy the peace and quiet, asshole._

Greed replied: “Hey, when I use ‘em, I stick to my summer cottage timeshare metaphors, fuckhead.”

It hit him as Ed sat up in his sleeping bag, rubbing his eyes, that he’d said that out loud. Greed took that moment to be completely unrepentant.

If only to save his dignity, because Ed looked damn perplexed as he echoed: “Timeshare cottages?”

Greed stuck his chin out. “That’s right.”

Ed squinted hard. The math chugged in his head for about 10 seconds until that whole being 2 a.m. thing really hit hard for him, then he flopped backwards. “I never know what the fuck is going on with you.” He groaned.

“Integrity, that’s what.” Greed replied primly. He shuffled over and lounged alongside Ed, who looked that signature mix of mildly annoyed yet happy to see him.

“Ah,” he said. He also took note of the fact that Greed had evidentially taken this as assent to move right in, as he was leaning on his side holding his head up with his hand only inches away.

Ed’s response to this was to pull up his sleeping bag. Greed caught it on the way up, however. With a smile, at that. This got a raised eyebrow from Ed. They both looked down at the hand.

Dryly, Ed said. “Well now you had to go and make your crazy my problem. Move your hand so I can get back to sleep.”

Greed, ever so slightly inching forward, replied: “Not so fast. That’s the best idea you’ve got right now?”

Ed groaned. It was late, but he could calibrate to smack a bitch if necessary. Greed, however, came prepared for that outcome. He made a shushing motion with his hand and said, “Hold still, you don’t have to do a thing. Just let me get this thing down for a hot second.”

And really, the trick was being quick about it. Before Ed could really protest, Greed was already zipping. As Greed kept on going, however, Ed got a different kind of glint in his eye.

He said: “Why, you can get off all while I don’t move? Now that’s a party in the sack.”

That earned him a light glare, that is, in the midst of Greed getting the zipper to the bottom and then shimmying in and zipping it back up. He made a satisfied noise once they were properly squished together. “That’s better,” he said.

Ed snorted. He looked down at his bindings with bemusement, finding them tight but not too bad with an experimental wiggle. Mostly, however, he just looked tired and pretty much buckled in when the homunculus grinned at him.

To Greed’s credit, there they stayed. He closed his eyes against Ed’s chest, wrapping his arms around the teen’s waist, cozy and warm.

And it would have been super great if he could have slept right there. But he didn’t.

It took about 15 minutes of that before his eyes opened on their own avail. Not even enough time had passed for sleep gunk, but bam, no motivation to close them. Hm. He found himself staring at the tent roof instead, tracing his gaze along the seams, pausing at the imperfections in the fabric – suddenly thinking about the nature of friendship.

He narrowed his eyes. The fuck. He didn’t even have Ling to blame for that one. The prince was off sulking. It was him alone for once, and the only thought his brain wanted to think was to vaguely blame the entire institution of friendship for the light misery licking at his feet.

At that, it issued another correction, however. Maybe the concept in general was bullshit – but between the next rise and fall of Ed’s chest, he had some trouble calling the current feeling in his chest a load of crap.

In the midst of this, however, it occurred to him that he wasn’t the only unsuccessful one at getting to sleep. Above him, Ed’s eyes flickered open and the thoughts in Greed’s head seemed to evaporate. Then, with a voice still gravelly with sleep, Ed said:

“Hey Greed, you wanna hear something. Something about integrity, I mean?”

“Uh,” Greed replied, very eloquently. The hushed manner gave him pause, like it was a secret that was never to see the light of day. And honestly, maybe he didn’t want to know.   Thus: “Thanks, I’ll pass. I thought you hated that guy truth anyway.”

This caught Ed for half a second with a strange look. Then he smiled and sadly shook his head, “The guy yes, the principle, no.”

“Cool story, bro. I’ll be sleeping now if you don’t mind.” Greed quipped back, nestling in some more to hopefully ram that message home.

But Ed had other ideas. He insisted: “No, no you need to hear this.” Then with a brief pause in which he sucked in air. “It was a weakness. That was the start of it all. It was because you were too powerful.”

…

In nearly one breath, before Greed could interject, (if Greed could even interject) Ed kept going.

“I mean, if I’m going to be honest, part of it was curiousity. And I’m not going to deny that there was something there, and that it was pretty fun. But afterwards, when Ling and I realized just what we had, how uh, you felt. We, I, kept it going. I made an effort.” Ed admitted, voice sinking.

But he came back immediately with: “But I swear the only difference this made was that we didn’t cut it off right there. But at the same time I lead you along.”

“After that, things changed again. And I really thought we were settling into something different, not necessarily the fake thing that we’d begun, but something better. And something that has always been real.”

Ed stopped. “Greed?” He stopped short of waving a hand in front of the homunculus’ face, but became concerned in a hurry as he stiffened up like a board.

Because, well then.

“That sure is something, Ed” he found himself saying. His head felt like the dial tone and his body like it was submerged under about 20 feet of water but he kept going. “Quite the story.”

Ed lowered his head. Due to their unfortunate position this meant putting it on top of Greed’s – but the homunculus let that one go, just this once.

He wriggled out a touch to wave his arm. “You really got me there,” he said, letting out a sharp laugh. “Very well done. I couldn’t have played me any better myself.”

Immediately though, Greed could tell that it came out bitter as hell. Ed looked back at him with wide eyes. The fucks Greed could give about that were diminishing quickly, however.

He waggled a finger with a knowing wink. Honestly, he didn’t think that he’d be so warm and cozy while hearing Ed say stuff like this. Certainly not while wrapped in blankets and shielded from the world in the hushed dead of night. But here they were: 2 a.m. with no prompt whatsoever. No crazy confrontation. No yelling.

Just Ed and his painfully earnest expression. He watched Greed carefully while he certainly didn’t spiral some more.

Not to be a dramatic piece of shit, but Greed was kind of disappointed. At least if they’d done this in a screaming match he’d have a decent opportunity to peace out.

Of course, this was where Ling finally decided to chime in from where he was eavesdropping. He said: _Are you literally understanding any of this. He isn’t saying no, he’s saying not always._

Greed put his hands in the air, not caring that this made Ed even more confused. He was surprisingly light and fluid, replying to Ling: _The principle is the same. I was right. Hah._

Ling stumbled. Because yeah, Greed was smiling wide despite himself and now Ed was looking at him like he’d broken something.

And Greed had to fight that angsty rejoiner that wanted to add on ‘because he had’ like hell. Because that wasn’t fucking true.

Weakly, Ling said. _Yeah, I guess you won this one._

Greed flitted his hands. Then to Ed. “Do I get a prize for guessing correctly? Cash, cards… a kewpie doll?”

Ed’s mouth fell open a touch. Which Greed realized was understandable about a second later. “Never mind. I don’t need any of that crap.”

“So,” Ed said, barreling past his confusion. “What does that mean? Does that mean you’re good? Are we ok?”

“Not at all.” Greed replied, matter of fact. “Fuck you very much, actually.”

Ed recoiled from that one, pretty shook at this point.

“But I’m over it, honey.” Greed said, now wriggling completely from the sleeping bag. He gave Ed a flick on the nose. “And I’m out.”

“What?” Ed sat up. In his head, Ling was equally upright.

Greed was already at the tent zipper. “I’m gonna say this once, and I’m still not going to mean it: enjoy the fucking woods.” Then he had half his body out, but curse his dramatic soul, he had to spare a glance back. There he tried not to watch the blood drain from Ed’s face.

The only thing that came to his head, apart from Ling cursing him out something fierce, was an emphatic UGH. He turned on his goddamn heel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No comments here. I'd love to hear yours though!


	7. The Friendship Speech

Things were louder than ever. Greed wasn’t sure if it was the usual cacophony of screaming that was harder to ignore or Ling, who made a hell of a racket as he marched their collective ass out of dodge. And continued to do so.

Yeah. The noise was probably due to the second thing.

But moving on: since the dawn of time there had been drama. It hid in darkened corners, waiting for unsuspecting people to pounce upon, and it preyed on their innocent enough questions about their relationship amongst themselves, i.e., do they like me back? Am I worthy of love? Is the entirety of the base of my relationship with this person a lie?

Are you taking notes?

Ling didn’t gratify that with a response. From his position in the backseat, which he had been in for months since the end of their ill fated camping trip, the best he could offer at this point was a pulse of: _well if you’re going to be a bitch about this, could you at least be a faster bitch?_

Greed obliged.

_My point is that you need to move on. Like I have, for example._

…

Greed puffed hair from his eyes. He was sitting atop Central Command, watching the battle ensue below him. From the looks of it, things were getting hairy. The Briggs soldiers were taking care of business in a haze of death and destruction. But this wasn’t quite interesting enough for him to intervene yet.

So he posed the question.

_Why are you still obsessing? It’s you and me kid. I told you, you can have all of the time that you want. Given, of course, that we stay away from that little complication._

…

Greed sighed. He realized that he was going to have to dig into his 10 Most Likely Ling Quotes to keep this conversation going. Because _somebody_ wasn’t throwing him a bone and being a good little voice in his head, he had to fabricate some fake ones now.

Whatever. Kid would probably sniffle somewhere along the lines of: _Well we’ve come to a great place to avoid Ed in._

Which is a point that Greed would concede, naturally. With a good hearted chuckle he would reply: _I know, point to the biggest bad and Ed is getting in line to punch him in the face. But it isn’t time yet. Dad’s going to call him when dad calls him._

Ling, being agreeable to reason, would catch onto this point fairly quickly. After which, he would become sensitive to the fact that Greed was purposely choosing to be outside on this nice day, as opposed to the dank underground. Ling would say: _I gotcha._

Greed would return this with a charming smile. Then they would sit in companionable silence for once, a peace only interrupted by the occasional deafening explosion. Maybe Ling would mention the fact that Greed used to come up on this rooftop all the time when they were still employed in this shithole.

And Greed would bring up the fact that yeah, this really was the least shitty place compared to the rest of it. But even so, he was still surprised to be back a little.

But before Greed could pretend not to reply to that, the real thing sulked back into the forefront of their headspace. Complete with 110% parts judgment which Greed took exception to.

Not that Greed was proud of dipping into the Top-Most-Likely-Sentimental-Drivel list in addition to the General Top 10. He wasn’t even sure why he had that list. The fact of the matter, however, was that he didn’t care what Ling thought about this.

The same prince had the gall to snort a laugh at that.

 _What._ Greed poked him.

 _Oh I don’t know._ Ling replied airly. _It’s just that they’re all down there fighting and stuff and we’re just sort of up here._

Greed paused. He had to mentally double-check to make sure that Ling wasn’t continuing a conversation from yesterday, as opposed to 3 months ago.

 _I thought fake you got the message already, there’s nothing interesting down there._ Greed replied levelly.

_My problem is that fake me is completely misrepresented. I take exception to the fact that you’d ever think I’d ever enable your nostalgia. _

Greed whipped back at him with a wry smile. _Come on, a sentimental fuck like you. I get a little touchy feely and suddenly you deny enabling me even a little bit._

 _Sentimental, huh?_ Ling repeated back to him. He took a second to gather his thoughts then, which appeared to Greed to be his attempt to understand the intricacies, the little quirks, the nuances of just how much of an idio—

 _Hey._ Greed cut in.

Ling was effervescent. _What._

 _That was uncalled for._ Greed whined.

Completely unaffected, Ling continued with: _My main point is that Ed is down there._

Greed busted back in. _I thought we’ve already been through this—_

_And you’re here._

Greed sighed heavily. _Your point? Actually, wait, no, I know this one. And I’m over it, sunshine. I’m here because the secret to ultimate power is. That’s why._

Ling clicked his tongue. _Ok._

_Ok?_

Greed got real careful, then. First, he inched away from the ledge and stabilized himself. Second, and with maximum force and incredulity, he launched himself to the back of the headspace.

To Ling, who was annoyingly serene again. He popped an eye open when Greed’s perplexity became strong enough. That didn’t mean he got the message and maybe elaborated on himself or anything.

Greed, for one, stood his ground. He sank down and settled in for a staring contest. That being said, Ling was far from phased by this.

_Can I help you?_

And fuck Greed wanted to scream all of a sudden. Ling watched him just as carefully as he felt at least two more of his screws come loose. Greed didn’t know what to think about this bitch.

Except that he should have been the one screaming right then. But no. Then Ling went and smiled at him. _It’s ok,_ he said.

Greed was shook. _Why are you being so tolerant all of a sudden. This is the first time that you’ve been civil to me in months, is it because you think you’re finally going to your boyfriend back? What the fuck kind of backwards tolerance is this?_

Ling shrugged at him. (which Greed sort of handed to him, but _fuck_ in any case).

 _Come on,_ Greed continued. _Call me a son-of-a-bitch for leaving. Tell me that the Effortless Cool and Over it Pants I put on this morning are not cutting it._

Ling’s eyes popped open. He looked like he’d been given a great gift, but considering his own seasoning (salt) he was also hesitant. He thought, very loudly, that now was a plenty good time to toe the party line and tell Greed to go fuck himself again.

But the timbre of Greed’s metaphorical voice made him pause.

At that, Greed himself immediately came back with: _And what the fuck about it?_

 _Yes, hm._ Ling stroked his chin. _Perhaps you’re a miserable piece of shit that wrecks good shit for no reason. But I might be able to work with this._

Greed sagged as he felt his defense backfiring on him in record time.

 _Hmmm,_ Ling intoned again for the exact purpose of making Greed cringe. Then he got down to business with his hands on his knees. _Not gonna lie,_ he said. _Still kind of hate you right now._

This, Greed saw coming. But then something switched in Ling’s face. A foreboding smile, to be precise.

_But there is a stronger power at work right now. And one that you don’t need me to hold your hand and work you through, muffin._

_Ok, what? Slow the fuck down._

Ling continued, sincere against the greatest odds exhorting sarcasm: _You’ll figure it out. Because I trust that you’ll make the right choice._ He paused. _It’s not as though I can do anything else right now,_ he continued, an afterthought, really.

But Greed got stuck on the first thing. Because despite his urge to throw hands, it was actually one of the funniest things he’d ever heard. _You what now?_ He barked back.

Damn Ling was ready for that though, 110% sass, he said: _Because you’re the sentimental shit, and you’re fooling yourself thinking that this whole thing isn’t hugely significant, and putting it behind a giant ass wall of s u b l i m a t i o n._

Greed gasped a little. _You take that back._

_No._

_I swear._ Greed groaned, feeling ready to yank out his hair again. _You’ve got this entirely wrong, and honestly, I think I deserve a new fucking T-shirt for how misunderstood I’m feeling right now. You’re completely blowing this whole thing out of proportion!_

_\---_

The stupid thing, however, was that Ling kind of wasn’t.

It happened as soon as he laid eyes on Ed. Greed was upside down as Ed recomposed into the room, and Greed got a pretty good view as he hit the floor. It just so happened that his stomach dropped at the same time: and Greed did think: _Shit._

After that he aggressively told himself to focus, and ignored Ling as the prince slowly put his face into his hands. This was because Greed had bigger fish to fry. So he stayed put while more unsurprising fighting started happening.

Meanwhile Ling’s incredulity had evolved to staring at him with bug eyes.

Greed hissed. _Don’t you say a word._

Ling slowly shook his head. _Still not saying anything._

_Well you’re thinking too loudly then._

_I didn’t even do that!_ Ling replied, affronted.

Then Greed’s attention was snapped back by his father grabbing the sacrifices. Greed steadied himself against the wall while his father elatedly drew everybody up. He felt Ling finally go quiet inside with anticipation, and he crept closer, slowly repositioning.

Then he _struck._ “That’s a pretty good plan, pops. Hope you don’t mind me using it for myself. This world will finally belong to me!” He said while his claws did the rest of the talking.

Pride cried: “Where’d he come from!” and Greed felt like the most fashionably late bitch on the planet. He swelled a little as his dad dissolved into an ooze before him, and he’d never felt closer to power when he leaned down to the ground and prepared to finish what his father started.

Only to find that the circle wasn’t there. His heart skipped a beat. This hit him, in tandem with noticing Ed standing mere feet from him and staring. Greed heard him breathe: “He got him.”

Of course, the natural awe only lasted about half a second before he was yelling: “YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!”

But then father’s eyes opened beneath him. Even as a blob, he looked smug as he said: “I was expecting you to make an appearance, I know you too well, my son. Have you forgotten that you were born from my extracted avarice? Anything that you happened to desire, I can assure you that I desired first.”

Greed winced as they all got pulled away, including Ed yelling something about clobbering him the next chance he got. (Greed was tempted to go _yeah, yeah, sure_. But Ling caught him and said _You know he’s good for it.)_ Despite this, Greed felt himself calling “Ed!” after them.

And then he felt his stomach really drop out as his father reformed completely back at his stupid chair. Of course it would be his chair. “The very center of this world… Is right here!” Father cried.

Greed braced himself while he watched it all come to an end. Bright light sparked from the circle at first, but then it was replaced by a bubble of darkness that grew to consume the room. He felt like a mix of kicking a rock and curling into the overwhelming dread as the room was enveloped in the awful power. On this note, he made a quick retreat to the rafters.

He watched the chaos from there. Father returned as a literal God. Hoenheim did was likely his first real action apart from stumbling around and activated another terrifyingly powerful transmutation circle that made the souls explode from Father as quickly as he’d acquired them. He felt Ling release a horrified breath at that.

Greed could only numbly concur. It was sure good the entire population wasn’t dead anymore. That was a close one.

Ling mentally slugged him. He did, however, agree that it was looking plausible again that they’d have a shot at Father.

Greed flashed some teeth and skirted back into Father’s blind-spot. He was distracted in his attempt to murder the small group in a flourish. The homunculus’ heart collectively jumped as the feeling of yet another circle activated reverberated through the space. With that, Ed, Al, and Izumi’s alchemy returned with full force.

His own opportunity came as the wreckage loosened a steel beam. This happened at the same time that Izumi’s attack compromised a certain set of machinery on the wall which in turn caused the return of a familiar vat.

It was impossible for Greed to resist taking another swing. He lunged and yelled: “The sweet memories! That’s exactly the tub I took a bath in! Now it’s your turn, daddy!” And he whacked. To his chagrin, it didn’t even make a dent.

Ed yelled at him: “Get out of the way Greed!” as he tipped the entire vat over Father with a giant alchemic hand.

Greed skirted a short distance away. He watched in horror as his father propelled himself through all of that molten metal, and even managed to make it look cool as he shot to the surface. The bastard.

Then he felt a tingling over his left shoulder. He turned a second too late as Ed’s metal hand collided with his face. Greed yelled in surprise and scrambled back. He didn’t even have time to get his shield up.

“THAT!” Ed yelled, “WAS FOR RUNNING OFF.”

Ling: _I told you he was good for it._

Greed rubbed his chin while he mentally squashed the brat. “Alright, I deserved that.” He muttered at Ed. “But save some for my pops, would ya?”

Ed, who could have been on fire and not notice it, said. “Believe me there’s more than enough to go round. But you. You are a piece of work.”

Greed couldn’t really contain a: “Heh.”

What the commotion attracted, however, were the other people currently standing in the room. They looked tense, in a word, and like this was _very much not the time for this._ But Al. Fuck, Al looked he like he felt a bit differently.

Being one for moving things along, but not subtlety, he elbowed Ed in the ribs before saying: “It sounds like some stuff happened on your little camping trip that I hope you _never tell me about_.”

Ed short-circuited a little as he coughed back at Al. This was all Al had time for, however, as Hoenheim was yelling “That bastard, he’s going to try to make another philosopher’s stone!” And Al went with his father and the others as they spirited themselves to the surface.

Which Ed hesitated on, but as he looked back to give Greed another tongue lashing, he found Pride instead. Greed noted this with perhaps his very first nice thought about his brother as he peaced out up the wall.  

\---

That is, under the mostly true pretenses of telling Father What For.

It was just revenge at this point, he realized fuzzily. It wasn’t as though he could salvage any of the power from his father. Sure, it was satisfying to punch him in the face after they got to the surface. But what was the point, really?

After that there was another powerful explosion that scattered everybody. Ed’s automail broke, Al sacrificed himself to get Ed’s arm back. Ed finally got his hands on Father and was having a grand time pummeling his with his bare fists.

And that. There was something about the fight that didn’t seem like a distraction at all. It was about the way the crowd surrounding the pummeling was yelling, it bordered on savage, but there was also a raw energy to it.

Of support.

Ling laughs, then. It’s high pitched and makes Greed turn inwards. Ling is shaking his head. _You know, I really can’t pin down when it became my problem to help a jerk like you through your emotions._

 _What?_ Greed narrowed his eyes. Then slower, he said. _You don’t actually have to do that?_

 _Yes I do._ Ling said. _And it’s because you’re my friend._

And there it was, they were on the same page again. Greed nodded. _This is a friendship speech, isn’t it. I just want to start off by saying, fuck you…_

 _You take a look over there and tell me that’s not exactly what you want._ Ling cut him off.

Greed’s voice cracked.

_You already have it._

Outside Ed said to Father: “Get up you novice. I’m going to show you how outclassed you really are. This fight you lose.”

The fight went quickly after that. But only because after a few more blows Father went nuclear once more, which sent everyone flying. This included a Brigg’s soldier that Greed was able to grab. He yelled at him: “Pull yourself together, dammit. Stay on your feet, moron.”

Which distracted him enough that when he turned again it was too late – and Father plunged a hand into his abdomen.

And fuck. The pressure was immediate and he buckled forward. His spirit felt unhinged, but then Ling grabbed onto him.

 _DAMMIT NO!_ Greed cried.

 _Fight it Greed!_ Which was really the understatement of the year. The stupid thing was that Father was damn strong.

 _Let me go you dumb-ass, you’re going to get dragged in with me,_ Greed yelled back.

 _No!_ Ling shouted back, voice cracking. _And you want to know why? Because I’m here for you! I don’t care how much I can do, or how stupid you are. I’m here._

If Greed weren’t about to get sucked into oblivion, he would have groaned. Instead for some reason he said: _I know._ Then sucking air, he continued. _That hasn’t been the easiest either. And I’m sorry. You do more than you know._

Ling was on the verge of tears. _But here I am, playing backseat driver again. It’s like dealing with this crap is somehow more important than the stuff I have to do. I swear, you’re the least cooperative, most clueless dumbass I’ve every had the pleasure of sharing a brain with._

_… That actually makes me want to let go now, just saying. You sure you want to go with that one?_

_I. Wasn’t. Done. You Jackass!_ Ling screamed in his face. _None of that means you just get to let go! Now hurry up and fight, I need you._

Greed stalled. He felt himself baying against the pressure, and honestly it must have been sheer dumb luck at this point that he wasn’t buckling. But stronger still was the thought of Ling, despite everything still trying to save him.

 _No._ Greed said. _I need to say more. That whole thing with you, me, and Ed, we can make that work out. I don’t know how, but we’re gonna do it._

Ling made a strained noise, very much like he was suddenly 12 years old and falling victim to the phrase ‘doing it’ in a literal context. Greed raised an eyebrow, which Ling immediately coughed at. _I’m good._ With a quick puff and certainly not a reddening face, he tightened his grip on the homunculus and said. _Because you’re not going anywhere, and we’re going to ‘do’ the hell out of ‘it.’_

 _Uh yeah. Hey, maybe I should have worded that a little differently, but yeah._ Greed strained. This was of course the time when Father turned up the dial.

And Ling’s arm cracked. _Oh no! My body!_ He cried.

Greed felt himself saying: _You know. It’s not quite as ideal as being king of the world, but I can make due with emperor of Xing. Lets fight him together, hey partner?_

 _That’s more like it…_ Ling said, brightening – but with that Greed nailed him, once in the face. It broke his grip.

And his expression. As he sank backwards he said: _What are you…?_

Greed just laughed in his face, long and hard. _It’s time to say goodbye, kid. There’s no point in you getting sucked in my old man with me._

He held back his wince as Ling opened his eyes at him. _Hold on a second, Greed! How can you just sucker punch me like that after you told me that we’d fight together. I thought you didn’t believe in lies!_

Greed didn’t hold back in pouring the rest of his energy into laughing in Ling’s face again. _Oh you fell for it, hook line and sinker you little pissant._ He paused for a breath. _That was the one and only lie of my life._

Which alarmed Ling even more.

_Lan fan has a philosopher’s stone, so you don’t even need me anymore, kid._

_But I do._ Ling repeated. The rest of his protest was drawn up in Greed calling outside “Hey Lan Fan!” as she came and chopped Father’s arm with one fell swoop.

With that, Greed’s essence was sucked from the body with no more pomp and circumstance than a small _pop_ and his _later._

\---

And so Greed saw Ling from the outside for the very first time. It couldn’t have come sooner, but he really could have done without that sappy look on his face.

The other thing was that it was through his own eyes. If he could call those that, anyway, he was only going to have them for the next 5 seconds or so, given that the cost of getting his final shot in on his father was being ripped out of that body too.  

Huh.

Father was fragile in the reversed ultimate shield. That was good. Meanwhile Ling looked desperate. It was honestly strange not to know exactly, but he looked like he wanted to do something like throw the philosopher’s stone at Greed and see what happened. That even sounded stupid enough to work.

But anyway. Speaking of pissants lining up and crying, there was Ed too. It made Greed think back to that ‘best case scenario’ he was thinking about earlier. You know, the one where they all lived happily ever after or whatever. However that would work. If it could work.

Because damn if looking at Ed didn’t do something to fire that up again. Maybe it was all genuine.

But in equal measures he just couldn’t see it. Maybe he was blind or just needed a second chance. They’d discover the secret of sharing. There were first times for everything after all.

Or maybe that was really as good as it was going to get. If Ling was still in his head, he’d give him a speech about seeing it because it was there the whole time. And Greed would slug him, naturally, because he could picture the exact way the brat would say it.

That in itself was worthy of a right hook. So he had to think that he was doing it himself at that moment for some better reason.

Maybe because he could admit that things really had been good enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you all for reading! 
> 
> **Sept 24, 2018 EDIT** But this shit ain't done. I've hummed and hawed at this ending for a month now and I think that I can do better than this. So I'm gonna do another chapter. My idea for that is in good shape right now, so you're gonna see that pretty soon. Stay tuned. 
> 
> (and I guess this is a cautionary tale here of why you don't clear out your subscriptions as soon as the story finishes, heh.)


	8. Time for the Spray Bottle

The human transmutation went on, as it did, because Ed was ready to get back something from the universe for a change. After all, Alphonse had traded his soul for Ed’s arm, so Ed broke a few laws of nature to at least get him back. This was about the amount of plan that Ed opened the gate of truth with.

But he realized something was amiss as his eyes were adjusting to the whiteness because immediately there was a whole lot of a familiar voice. His eyes felt glassy for a moment. The mental image of Greed dissipating like a puff of smoke was still fresh in his mind, and weighted down further by a whole host of things that he had lost the opportunity to say.

He had choked it all down and put his chin up because he had to. But this.

“For fuck’s sake!” Ed yelled into the abyss.

Because bam, standing right in front of him was the waste of a dramatic exit himself, Greed in his 1.0 glory. He had his arm wrapped around Alphonse’s thin shoulders, and the nerve to look downright casual about it when he looked up from what Ed could only assumed had been continuous babbling and said: “Oh, hey Ed!”

Half an hour. That was about how much time had passed since he had literally _died._ Ed did not feel even remotely emotionally prepared for this situation.

The rug was still pulled out from under him. He’d watched the Greed-Ling combo-pack dissolve in front of his eyes in more ways than one. Granted, it had been a train-wreck from day one and looking back there was no way that it should have worked. But it did. And now the one mostly responsible for sending them into a downward spiral was hanging like a koala on his brother’s arm – and Ed wanted to be mad, he really did.  

But this changed things.

Possibly out of spite, Ed felt his soul trying to depart his body. He traded a look with Al, who’s tight lipped expression gave him the estimate that Greed was at 15 minutes of talking, and that there had been some _shit_ dished.

But also, shit. Ed raked his hands over his face, because this was happening, wasn’t it?

_I assume that you’re here for your—_ came the voice of Truth from Ed’s right. Presumably because he didn’t like being ignored.

“Yeah, yeah!” Ed cut him off. “It’s time for a team meeting. Al, may I have a word?”

Al, nodded and gave a thin look at Greed.

The homunculus looked rapidly back and forth between them. Then he exclaimed at Ed: “Wait a second, you’re missing the ‘hey Greed, you’re sort of not dead!’ Weren’t you supposed to tearfully run up to me or something?”

Ed narrowed his eyes as he walked over to pry Greed off his brother. “Oh so you want me to punch you in the face for being a stupid fucking martyr?”

Greed paused. “Honestly, that’s about what I expected so yeah, sure.”

Ed grinned, raising his fist, and Greed looked sheepish. That was enough for Ed to back down. “You’re an idiot.” He said instead.

“Don’t I know it,” Greed replied.

“But this…” Ed started, “This is so much worse, like I could be yelling at you some more for leaving, but dying?” He stopped himself right there. “This is why I need you to get the hell out of my way while I figure this shit out.”

Greed felt small all of a sudden. He stared at Ed for a moment while the lump in his throat got more aggressive, then glancing back at Truth, he sighed. “Hell, I was halfway to being miserable, spending all that time worrying about shit. It was exhausting!” he muttered.

In response, of course, was white hot rage boiling up again in Ed’s tiny frame. The usual, Greed figured, as he braced himself. But the result was barely audible – Ed looked him straight in the eye and said, “You fool.”

Greed felt his eyes widen. His gaze darted quickly over to Al who was now daintily covering his ears, which barely gave him enough warning as Ed started up again at full volume with:

“I FUCKING SWEAR, I’m gonna send you flying!” His hand was inches from Greed’s face as the homunculus shrank backwards. “Everybody worries about that shit! And you know why? Because its important.”

Greed couldn’t quite stop himself from whining back: “You mean by making me feel sad and anxious about stuff??”

Even as he regretted it a moment later, when Ed snapped back: “No because comfort levels! Everybody gets their day of concerns and nobody can take that from you just like nobody can force you into something you don’t want to be in. And I’m sorry for doing that.”

They both stopped right there. Ed was practically heaving, and it was becoming plenty evident that neither of them were really prepared for this conversation.

Greed was definitely about ready to tap out too. He held his chin up at Ed’s gaze until the very last moment when he copped out with a: “I’m sorry, who are you?” Then he looked back at Al, “Are you sure you can positively identify this guy as your brother?”

Al raised his hands in the air. “I am staying the fuck out of this.”

Which is where the wheels came off as Ed gasped: “AL! Language!”

Greed deflated as Al laughed awkwardly back. This is where Ed looked back with a different kind of accusatory tone as he demanded: “Did you teach him this? How long did it take you to corrupt my brother??”

Greed put his hands in the air. “Uh, no? But something about this situation is really making me want to make a two part joke about how he’s probably been Like This for a while and that I’m all out of corruption after spending 4 months in the woods with you.”

Ed looked horrified. Something like his emotions were confused about whether he wanted to hit Greed because general reasons or this thing in particular.

Greed continued sheepishly: “That’s not all that funny though. Anyway! All of this is a moot point in any case, yeah? I mean, I was only hanging around here to chat up your brother. But I think at this point what’s done is done.”

“THAT,” Ed was yelling again, making Greed cringe. “That is the thing! That I am currently working on! Hence why you need to get your head out of your ass for one moment and stop pretending that nobody cares about you.”

Greed just blinked at him. Sure, even though he had learned all that he probably needed to know about equivalent exchange in a 15 second conversation with Truth, and it was that against Edward. But the way that Edward was looking made him second guess it all.

“Uh, ok?” he said, quieter. Then he put his hands in the air while Edward glared him down and went over to stand by Truth. The entity still looked scandalized at being ignored, and regarded him coolly as Greed sighed loudly and said:

“So I’m the damsel in distress here then. Huh. Didn’t see that one coming,” as he folded his hands in front of his chest.

Truth made an amused noise and sat back to watch. Being an alchemic creation, the homunculus had come back to the realm of truth to pass through before oblivion, but despite its dominion Truth was no closer to actually making Greed leave. Call it curiousity that stopped it from simply forcing the matter.

Because Ed and Al were on the case now. Ed couldn’t help the warm look he was giving to his brother as they sat down like old times. That being said, he felt that nostalgia drying up something fierce as Al was saying “I didn’t realize you were such a heartbreaker, huh brother?” with a shit eating grin on his face.

Ed’s eyebrow twitched. “Shut it.”

Al waved a hand. “You’re not the one who had to listen to him. Whoo boy.”

Ed felt his face flaring without his permission. “Al!” he whined, “That was all just a load of crap.” He shipped his hand out on that last point.

“But we’re still taking him back with us, right?” Al finished for him.

Ed puffed out air. “Yeah, of course we are.”

“Hm,” Al said.

This was the point that Greed tuned out as Al launched into what we could only assume was Alchemic Technical Bullshit. Instead, he turned to Truth and asked: “Any bets on what they’re going to do?”

_Nothing out of the ordinary,_ it replied mirthfully. _They’re only about to defy about five different laws of nature._

“Ah,” Greed said. This was the part where he would have liked to have a sassy remark lined up, but he let the thought trail off. Truth was still creepy as all get out.

In any case, this was interrupted by Ed yelling: “No fuckin way! We are not doing that. _God._ That’s a terrible idea!”

Greed was encouraged.

Al continued, “You know, he’s like a lost cat. Besides, it just might work with an owner.”

“Uh hey!” Greed yelled back, making the brothers turn. “Stop spreading shit, I’m a strong independent homunculus.”

“Stay in your lane!” Ed swiftly shouted back. Greed grasped his own chest.

“Anyways,” Ed continued. “I think I know what we have to do.”

Al clapped his hands together. “Alright.” He said.

Greed perked up again. Something about Ed’s fiery expression shoved down the lump in his throat.

_So have you made your decision?_ Truth asked. It was standing there with its fingers together – like it saw this whole thing as a sick joke? That sounded about right.

“Yeah, I think I have,” Ed replied.

On this note, Greed slapped Truth’s back. “Well I guess that’s it for me, then.” He was stopped by Ed’s high pitched hum though. He was turned around as Ed grabbed him by the shoulder.

This is where he started very encouragingly with a: “So don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s just me an’ Al this time.”

Greed felt his face sink. “You’re just going to leave me here?”

“How was I supposed to know you would even be up here? You know how hard it is to deal with this place?” Ed recoiled.

“Well I guess.” Greed felt himself drooping some more.

Ed ran a stressed hand through his hair. “In any case, somebody is going to back for you, and I think I know how this is going to work. So don’t worry about it.”

Greed winced. “Even after all of what I did…?”

Ed put a finger to his lips and sweetly said: “Oh yeah, and if you give me anymore of that self-sacrifice crap I’m going to beat you back to life myself with my bare fists, got it? This is what friends do.”

Greed was stopped in his tracks. Then he wondered how he had even doubted Edward Elric in the first place.

The same alchemist turned back to Truth and said, “For my brother, you’ve got your payment right here,” as he pointed behind himself to his own portal.

Truth laughed in his face. _Oh really, it’s come to this? Are you sure now, you realize you won’t be able to do alchemy after this, right?_

Ed stood his ground.

And then he started winning for a change. Truth threw its hands up in the air. _That’s the right answer, well done. Take him home!_

Ed beamed. At that, he carefully helped Al to his feat and they were officially in victory lap territory. That being said, Al wasn’t quite done yet. Quick as a snake, he said to his brother: “We’ve gotta stop making these promises.”

And it was likely the stress that made Edward look horrified at him for half a second and then buckle over in laughter as they glided out of the portal.

\---

When they touched back down, as expected, Ed was beaming at his victory. This was likely why the crowd at large was so surprised when the next thing that he said was: “Alright, so who wants to go next?”

Silence ensued. Meanwhile Al was grinning like a fiend.

Mustang whispered to Hawkeye: “Does that mean it didn’t work, or…?”

Ling, well aware something dumb was happening, interjected: “Now why would anybody want to do that??”

Ed just smiled at him. Ling’s eyes went wide. “Is he up there?”

Ling got a nod in return. He put his hand to his lips, but before launching into a full-blown heartfelt reaction, however, he couldn’t help but blurt out a: “Why?”

Ed gave him a sharp look, “How am I supposed to know? In any case, I don’t think he was up there for my portal in particular,” at that Ed raised a finger. “Which means he might just be in the realm in general. And if you’re willing, Ling, that philosopher’s stone might be enough to pay for a different ride up and his soul.”

Ling made an unimpressed noise. “You just included a lot of ‘mights’ in that sentence.”

“Well brother could have taken Greed down himself,” Al casually slipped in, “but he was against the idea.”

“I could not think of a worse outcome here,” Ed retorted.

“Logistically simpler though,” Al said, shrugging his shoulders.

Ed seethed a little bit. “I preferred where this conversation was going earlier,” he turned back to the bewildered crowd, “Back to advertising for a once in a lifetime opportunity for free human transmutation, given that you give this loser a ride.”

The reception was roughly the same.

“Gusty kid,” Mustang said, leaning over by Hawkeye’s ear.

Ed whirled around and yelled, “You know I can hear you, right?”

Mustang raised his hands sheepishly. This of course had Ed ready to throw hands, but he was stopped by his father putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I can do it,” Hoenheim said gently. “I’ll get back the disembodied homunculus that completes the three way that my son has going on.”

Ed nearly choked up his windpipe.

\---

In this case the solution, if there was such a thing, came in the form of Ling Yao himself kicking down the portal of truth and strutting into the white ether. Hoenheim trailed in shortly behind him, and was growing less sure by the minute of what he was walking into.

What he got was Greed taking one look at Ling and saying: “Oh for crying out loud.”

Ling stomped over and said, “Nice to see you too,” before immediately suffocating him into a hug.

Greed wheezed – but awkwardly returned it.

Muttering into his shoulder, Ling continued, “Also, I guess this is the first time I’ve actually seen you, is that weird? I only knew it was you because you immediately started swearing at me.”

“That is a bit messed up,” Greed concurred. Notable, however, was the lack of moves he was making to escape the embrace. This was even though, as was inevitably the case whenever Ling hugged anything, it felt like there were more limbs involved than physically or morally permissibly possible. That being said, it was kind of neat being on the other side of it for a change. That was the excuse Greed was sticking with in any case.

This just left them holding each other for what was likely too long of a stretch while Hoenheim and Truth awkwardly stood nearby.

After a whole lot of nothing happening, Truth just addressed Hoenheim: _Long time no see,_ he said. _I didn’t expect that you would return._

“Well, this is a bit of a different occasion.”

_Right,_ Truth said. Greed and Ling still hadn’t moved.

This was apart from Ling’s hand that was squeezing the back of Greed’s shirt. Eventually he raised his head from Greed’s shoulder, and relaxed his overall grip somewhat. Greed paused, and took in what had turned into quite the endearing expression on Ling’s face.

This made for two seconds of Greed vigorously trying to keep his own body from rejecting the positive vibes like some sort of virus. He had to will himself to chill, because that was the only way he could feel the tiny flicker of something bubbling up in his own chest. Incidentally, this was also the only warning he had before both of Ling’s now free hands surged up to Greed’s throat in an active attempt to strangle him.

Greed recoiled and flailed his arms as he tried to push Ling’s head away.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH ANYWAY,” Ling cried at him, despite being partially muffled by the hand in his face.

This left Greed incoherently yelling and using his other hand to try to pry Ling’s hand off of his neck. “What the fuck??” He choked out.

Ling laughed manically, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this!” he said, keeping up the pressure.

Greed, managing to get one hand off and gasping, replied. “That should be my fucking line! Actually, why the hell did I let you get in the first strike you brat?? You did that while we were having a moment!”

Ling just cackled in reply. Greed managed to get the second hand off of his throat, and in a flurry to incapacitate, lunged forward with Ling’s arms awkwardly bent underneath. This moderately surprised the prince, and he went backwards. They both tumbled to the ground.

And that really just made the situation even more awkward. Truth restrained himself from whistling while the pair rolled around on the ground. Meanwhile Hoenheim did his best to stare blankly into the white abyss, trying to avoid thinking about how his son fit into this relationship at all costs.

After a while Ling got the upper hand and an arm-bar, and Greed frantically tapped out. At that, Ling let him loose and he splayed onto the ground.

Ling brightly popped to his feet and looked down, “I’m glad I got that taken care of,” he said.

Between heaving breaths, Greed slurred, “I’m going to bite your damn ankles off!”

“Anyways,” Ling continued, “So we want that one, just the soul.” He now looked Truth right in the face. It was easily the second creepiest thing he had laid eyes on.

_Hm, really now?_ Truth replied. Maybe it was just the game-show vibe that this guy seemed to have going on, but it made Ling nervous for that half second. Alongside him, Hoenhiem had fished the half-empty vial of philosopher stone out of his pocket, and he passed it over to Truth.

The entity looked at the vial and then at the bested homunculus for a second, and it smiled. That well and truly sent a shiver down Ling’s spine.

_Alright then. And how will you be transporting the homunculus home?_

Well that sure wasn’t a no! Ling felt a little lighter as he confidently pointed a thumb back at himself. “In me.”

Which is the point that Greed finally caught onto, and his head shot up. “Are you kidding me?? I thought I’d be getting my _own_ body out of this crap?”

“Do you pay attention to anything?” Ling retorted, “This place is really expensive to deal with!”

Greed drooped. Then with an honest to god pout on his face, his appreciative remark was: “Well I guess.”

Ling gritted his teeth into a tight smile. “Sounds like it’s happening then,” he said as he turned back to Truth.

The entity’s expression didn’t change. He kept this up as the vial in his hand disappeared, and with it, Greed’s body. The homunculus managed to dissipate into nothing with a vaguely annoyed yet somehow grateful expression on his face. Ling sighed in relief, then braced himself as a million black hands grabbed him from behind and pulled him back into reality.

\---

Inside his mind a small light flickered to life. It didn’t immediately manifest, however. But Ling knew it was there, so he didn’t worry too much.

No, it waited until a couple of days later. Ed and Ling were still in Central, hanging out in a coffee shop while Al was resting in the hospital. (It took a lot of convincing to get Ed out of the hospital). The right moment had to come first, which was when they were sitting at a booth with Ed verbally worrying about his brother and Ling in the middle of a sip of coffee.

_That_ was when Ling suddenly gasped, felt his vision go black and his head hit the table. After that, it wasn’t him that whipped his head up with a maniacal cackle and practically screamed, “FUCK YEAH THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM! STILL NOT DEAD!” while pointing wildly at nothing in particular.

Suffice to say the charming café went quiet after that. This included the waitress who also chose that moment to walk up to their table.

Ed, mostly unfazed, coughed. Greed’s eyes focused back on him, then the waitress, who was looking at him with no little alarm. “THE FUCK I MISS, WHO’S THE CHICK?” he continued, still yelling.

“Uh yeah, just two more coffees, and ignore everything else this guy is about to say.” Ed said, smiling briskly.

The waitress dotted her pad, saying “Sure thing,” and then turned on her heel.

Fuzzily, Greed watched her go. Then he blinked again. “Whoa,” he said.

Ed took a sip of his coffee while he watched the homunculus. He assumed there was a heartfelt reunion in there somewhere as Greed’s temple bulged. “Welcome back,” Ed said.

Greed squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, “Holy fuuuck that dying thing gets old,” as he rubbed his temples. Then to put sugar on top, he looked down and found his lap drenched in coffee. Awkwardly, that got him up and raiding the serviette dispenser to clean up.

Ed well and truly breathed as he watched. It hit him that they’d really made it out.

Greed finished with a grumble, then glanced back at Ed. “Still like watching me work, eh?”

Ed’s eyes refocused, and he rested his chin on his hands. “Who doesn’t like witnessing the 8th wonder of the world,” he replied.

Greed snorted, and finished adjusting the cutlery. “You know what I’m not even gonna take that as an insult.” He kept up the intensity back, but felt himself trailing off.

“That’s a shame because—“ Ed started, but was interrupted by Greed spitting out a violent cough. He wheezed as he put his hands to the side of his temples, and his groan sounded at most half human until it condensed into the words: “Ohhh my freaking head.”

Which was where Ling sat aggressively back in his seat, looking hunted. Incidentally, he was also met with the waitress returned to their table, coffee in hand. They made eye contact for that little bit and things were very quiet.

This was until Ed piped up with a nonchalant, “Hey thanks,” which snapped the waitress out of it.

Ling looked a touch sheepish and blinked violently down at himself.

“No problem?” She replied, setting the cups down. Ed picked his up while she wandered away. He watched Ling stare at his palms for a few moments. After a second Ling looked back up at Ed with a wide smile.

Which brought them firmly back to point A: They had made it out. Ling grabbed his coffee and took a deep drink while he smiled inwardly as well. Ed had a feeling kind words were being exchanged this time, and it made him happy.

Unfortunately, Ed had a feeling there was a point B in here somewhere as well, and it needed to happen before any of them could divert attention. They had to pick up where Greed and him had left off earlier.

“So uh, guys, could we do a quick team meeting here?” Ed asked, drumming his fingers.

Ling looked perplexed for a moment. This was in tandem with, if Ed squinted, tiny little changes in his face where Greed bubbled up as well. (Although he had to admit he was kind of reaching for that one because both of them were just as confused.) After a second Ling clicked his tongue and said, “Yeah, sure what’s on your mind?”

Ed quickly puffed air. “I just need to make sure here that, you know, Greed you’re not going to run off again. Are you cool with this?”

Which meant it was buffering wheel time on Ling’s face. This was the blank look on his face in the space that indicated that neither of them wanted to touch that question, which held up until Ling presumably shoved Greed up to the front of the headspace. Once there, Greed looked perturbed.

But then, quick as a whip he slapped on a smile and replied: “What do you mean? Everything is good now. I died, so my angst is back to factory levels and I’m good as new until my next regularly scheduled breakdown.”

He let that sit and simmer for a second. This was while, as Ed approximated, both him and Ling’s head were ping-ponging between the thoughts of _holy shit he actually didn’t learn anything,_ and _why is he like this?_ Ed put a cold hand to his forehead.

Then Greed coughed. “Uh, yeah. You’re wondering if I’m going to run off like I’m 12 yeah? That’s probably not going to happen.”

Which was a point that Ed grabbed the hell onto, and felt a little haggard as he lightly hit the table and said: “Alright, good! Good start! But have we addressed the problem here?”

Greed was well on his way to scrunching his face at that when Ling suddenly took the wheel and added: “You know we can test this, ala, hey Greed how do you feel about you me and Ed each having _different relationships_ ,” before he gave control back.

The way that Greed squinted his eyes was all the indication Ed needed that Ling was looking smug out of view. “Do I look like I’m freaking 5 to you?”

Nearly instantly, Ling returned with a: “If the shoe fits.”

Greed growled back. “First of all, fuck off, I’m 6 months old and owning that shit.” Ed watched Ling bubble up under the surface again before being shoved down. “Secondly, you can both chill, ok?”

Evidently with a fierce energy, Ling took back control for the sole purpose of putting his chin in his hands and making a drawn out “HM.” And then he passed control back just to let Greed squirm.

Ed just sat back in his seat as Greed was put on the defensive in battling Ling off. With the changes more fluid than they had ever been that left really no leeway for Ed to get a word in. Huh. As Ed took a drawn out sip of coffee he couldn’t decide whether this was going to make things better or more annoying.

What was certain, however, was that they probably couldn’t show their faces in this café again. Although the remainder of the customers had returned to their own business, the waitress was leaning on the greeter podium and looking over at their table. She was saying to a coworker: “You know what? This is the same shit, different blanket. I should just stop being surprised.”

And honestly, mood.

Ed returned his attention to Ling, who had started up again with a: “Ok ok, I hear you. But is this the kind of coping mechanism that involves drinking my ass under a table, or the _constructive kind._ ”

Greed gasped as he grabbed his chest, “How dare you see through me like that! But no! Constructive! I think!”

Ling made another annoying perambulatory hum, but before he could get another word in Greed aggressively took the body back and continued: “Because you know, I can work with this situation, I love you guys, I’m ok!”

What this left was that feeling of induced honesty just _laying there_ for a few seconds on the table. Greed abruptly shut his mouth and receded backwards as Ling started nodding with a grin on his face. “Ah ok, good.” He said.

Greed, presumably in one last show before looking like he wanted to hide under a rock, made a point of taking the body back to hit the table while he said: “Yeah, hah, you see there, you got one emotional conversation out of me. Better enjoy it because it was _the last one._ ”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Ed started, and he was up. With that, he felt his hand scrambling around until it settled on a newspaper on the table and the homunculus startled as Ed rolled it up and whapped him on the head with a: “You better be joking here, because in this house we talk about that shit now and if things get out of hand you fucking say something, got it?”

Greed scowled as he held his head. “Ok, ok, fuck,” he muttered back. He didn’t look all that mad as Ling overtook him and continued:

“That’s right, this isn’t about the past, it’s about the future. And things are going to work out!”

“Yeah,” Ed concurred. “That’s the number.” With that Ed sat down and puffed out something fierce.

Ling lightly hit the table as he continued, “Yeah, you know, when I become the freaking emperor of Xing!” as he smiled broadly.

“Yeah!” Ed concurred, but trailed off. They sat for a moment as Ling’s hand slowly lowered as well.

This was until Greed scrunched his face and said: “Well not to rain on all of this fanfare or anything, but I can’t help but notice the prince contemplating the fact that _y’all have got fuck all for a plan_ of ensuring that we ever cross paths again?”

Ling lightly smacked his own face. “Yikes I didn’t miss this part. Yeah, no, _down homunculus_ don’t worry about that part, we got this,” he said, and as he barreled past the immediate and steep levels of offense that Greed took at being told to ‘get down.’

Because then Ed was waving his hand, “This is where we stop and figure this shit out. So what if this is a bit on the seat of the pants, what else is new?”

“Ya boi is going to be ruling Xing,” Ling reminded them all. “And that includes you too, Greed.”

Greed narrowed his eyes at them. To their beaming faces he said: “Ruling huh. Have you given any thought about what that means, kid?”

Ling looked shiny when he replied, “Yeah, sure! I get to try my best to make Xing a better place for the people, it sounds great!”

And all it took was hearing the tone of the response for Ed too to catch on. And _shit._ “Uh,” he said. “You have ideas on how you’re going to do that, right?”

“You know what?” Ling said, putting a solid hand on the table, “I’m sure I’ll be able to figure that one too out when we get to it. We can do this.”

Greed immediately commandeered that hand to put against his forehead as he groaned, “This is giving me anxiety.”

Ed waved his hands in the air. “Ok, guys, guys. This is no time for despair.”

Which Ling immediately puffed up at, “Who’s despairing? I’m going to be an excellent leader. Quit doubting me,” he said, as he was quickly overtaken by Greed who began to fan his own face.

“It’s not that,” Ed started.

Ling cut him off with a: “Nah nah, we’re on the right track here, just you watch. I’ll have a gigantic palace for you to visit me in and things are going to work out just fine.”

Ed let Ling’s endearing expression cut him off right there. He stopped himself short of cutting down all that optimism, partly because life was too short. Yeah sure, this was probably going to be a train-wreck too.

But there was a corny one liner in here somewhere and things were probably going to be ok nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, now that there is the ending. Apparently I needed a four month to vacation to another fandom before this worked out alright, but I think I finally delivered a fresh potato as promised. (Btw if you like pink haired psychics who are done with life, I'd be happy to recruit you into obscure anime hell. Literally nothing in common with FMA but go watch the Disastrous life of Saiki K., it is some of the funniest shit I've ever watched.) 
> 
> IN THE WORKS: So I've got two fics on the go here in this fandom, and one of them may get nommed into a proper epilogue continuation of this nonsense. You're gonna get aimless tourism, slumber parties, procrastination from important responsibilities, and flip flops. 
> 
> The second, which I'm probably going to start first is going to take place mid-series, during the search for Mei Chang in Central in which Greed takes the approach that the best way to make Ling shut up is to solicit the help of one Edward Elric, and thus begins to casually stalk him. This is where Ed realizes that he can be grilled for information about the shadow government, which is where the espionage angle is seriously tested by 'well now he won't leave' thing. Say hello to **An Unattended Cardboard Box**
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Spare a comment below to make your local fanfiction author scream into a pillow today!


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